I’m not one to ever post my problems online but this has been weighing on me for months and I need to say it.

I’m madly in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way and it tears me to shreds every single day.

We used to feel the same way about each other a long time ago but moved away and we never really got a chance to be a couple.

Then I moved away and he was really there for me when I did. He called me all the time, we’d FaceTime once or twice a week, we’d talk all the time.

Deep down, I knew I was probably just a place holder until he met someone else but I also knew he really did have feelings for me.

I saw him for the first time in 8 months last Christmas and we spent time together while we were both home. Nothing overly romantic but we put our arms around each other kiss on the cheek.

I was friends with his friends and they all told me when we first met he talked about me all the time & was really smitten with me.

Jan of this year we went to PHX together for a couple concert with friends. Spent a few days in LA together, and had the most amazing and wonderful time.

A week after I left LA and we had the best time- he met his current girlfriend. I was absolutely crushed. We still talked and texted, he didn’t treat me any different after meeting her, and I truly was happy he was happy.

But everything changed this summer. Him and his friends came to visit me where I lived and we had an absolute BLAST. The best time of my life.

I met his gf over FaceTime but she had absolutely no interest in speaking to me. I brushed it off, no biggie, I get it. But as the weekend went on, he was acting like he did when we used to date. Every time we are together, everyone can feel the energy between us. All of our mutual friends want us to be together. My friends in my new city that did t know our history that met him couldn’t believe we weren’t a thing because of our “undeniable chemistry”

We are amazing together. He knows it, I know it, everyone knows it. But I always maintain boundaries when my guy fiends have girlfriends. I never want to disrespect another woman but with this one, it’s so hard because I’m in love with him. But I never want to give up my friendship so I just keep my feelings to myself. When he came to visit, he kissed me before he left. Not a friendly kiss either.

I still feel so so guilty for it. It’s not my fault it happened, and it wasn’t a jamming his tongue sloppy drunk kiss, it was sweet and tender.

And that makes it worse. He told me how much he cares Abington me and how much he wish things were different. And I agreed. And we agreed that if him and I are meant to be, we will.

I’m just so upset still after almost 2 months that this happened. I feel angry at him for putting me in that position, I feel angry at him for dating someone .

But I also am happy for him and all I want is for him to be happy.

But why can’t I be happy? Why am I not good enough to be the one he dates? Why am I not good enough to be his girlfriend? It’s honestly bullshit. The whole situation.

I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m hurt. And I’m angry at myself for loving someone who makes me feel like this.

We talk way less now that that happened. We haven’t and probably won’t ever talk about the kiss. I just hate knowing he never thinks about it but I think about it all the time.

I hate all of this. I hate it.