I'm 5w5d and this is my first pregnancy. At this point I have no logical reason to be nervous or scared of something bad happening, but I keep inundating myself with what-if's. My hCG levels were looking great last week, so I got my blood drawn again just yesterday to make sure, but what if my levels aren't actually progressing normally? My first ultrasound isn't until Sept 3 and I want to say that I have a good feeling about it, but what if there's no heartbeat? Or what if there is a heartbeat, and I think I'm in the clear, and I start getting excited and picturing my life with this new little life, and then something bad happens? What if I make it to the second trimester and I announce it to my family and friends, and they get really excited for us and THEN something bad happens?

Pregnancy suddenly seems SO fragile and it's scaring the 💩 out of me – I'm struggling to be excited about it because I'm scared that the second I let myself, it will be ripped away from me. Anytime I talk about this pregnancy with my husband, I preface my comments with "If all goes well..." Every time I go to the toilet, I fear seeing blood when I wipe. I constantly scroll through this app looking for positive stories to ease my mind, but the devastating stories of loss just frighten me further. It could so easily happen to me, and I don't feel as strong as so many of you incredible ladies are and have been.

I find myself trying to bargain with the universe: "Give me all the sickness and achiness and discomfort and fatigue, as long as I come out of this with a healthy, happy baby that ends up living a nice long life." I hate having no control over my body; I hate having to wait and wait and wait and still not really know for sure if everything's okay because it could all change in the blink of an eye.

I'm terribly sorry if this word vomit comes off as insensitive or ignorant or just plain insecure, given that – as I mentioned – I have no logical reason to be this scared as of right now. And I'm sorry for the length of this rant. I think I'm especially struggling because, at this stage, I haven't told anyone else (except my husband, of course, and my best friend, but she lives overseas), and keeping this all bottled in definitely isn't helping. I so appreciate this community for allowing me to get this off my sore, achy chest.

If anyone's feeling or has felt similarly, how have you quelled your anxiety? Or how have you taken care of your mental health more generally?

***UPDATE***

Thank you all so much for your words of solidarity 🙏🏽 As much as it absolutely sucks that our excitement can get so clouded by anxiety, I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. I'm thankful for this space, thankful I have no reason to be worried as of now, and praying for us all to deliver happy, healthy babies ❤️