I finally left my abusive husband of 8 years almost 5 months ago. Early this morning I couldn’t sleep and wrote this....

Next Chapter.

I loved you when I didn’t even know who you were. I’ve never clicked with someone so hard in my life, and I’ve crossed enough. When I met you I knew I wanted you to be by my side forever, I was young but I was very sure of it. I thought you were my total package.

Very quickly you shown signs of abuse, you were violent and immature. I still loved you and refused to give up on you, though everyone including your own family were telling me to run. I seen good in you, I seen the person I loved in your soul somewhere and figured I could bring that person out of the darkness.

Let’s jump forward to 2 years into our relationship, we’re 5 months pregnant and getting married. We spoke many times of having kids and getting married and here we are. But let’s be honest real quick, there were a few times you’ve been to jail already for violence against me and wrecking your car high on drugs. In fact, I had bailed you out of jail the night we conceived Ember - for domestic abuse battery.

Thru the pregnancy you were picture perfect in my eyes, afterwards things changed again. When I say “again” I don’t mean for the 5th time either, this is your cycle and by now I’m used to it. You’re on drugs again and miss her first birthday due to so much drama between us, my hatred from you was already growing then. Moving on, things never got better and I gave up on you but didn’t wanna let go, just in case you caught a grip on yourself I wanted to be with you. I thought I deserved you at your best, and I did.

Eventually I fell out of love, we separated a few times on and off. Things got worse and worse. Let’s skip ahead to now.. nothing has changed.. it’s still terrible. We have an 8 month old son now, you’ve yet to build a bond with him, I have to tell you to spend time with him. You left the hospital as soon as he was born and have never helped much with him. You won’t get a job, you talk about it but are never serious. You are still very much emotionally abusive and even lash out of Ember at times. You speak to me beyond disrespectful in front of my daughter with no remorse.. no remorse for anything you’ve ever done to me. You publicly lie about me on social media. You are the horrible person, not me.

I’ve left, my heart has moved on to someone I feel cares about me. At this point he fears me leaving him, it’s backwards with him because for some reason I bring out the good in him and he wants to be better for me and the kids. He cares for them very much, he always wants to hold Caspian and be apart of his life. He plays with Ember and spoils her as well. I know you may think I cheated or played you, but I haven’t. Of course I never told you how I really felt about Jonathan because how the fuck could those words come from my mouth to you? I can’t. Deep down I wish it could be you but I am glad to be moving on to another chapter in my life.

You were and still are a hard, and terrible chapter in my book of life. But I will turn the page and move on and be a better person. Time heals everything. If I can heal from not growing up with a mother or my grandfather passing.... I know I can come up from this.