I got pregnant on the first try earlier this year (age 34). I had a lot of cramping so I went for an early ultrasound. I got to see the heartbeat. It took my breath away. My baby.

At 10w2d, I found out that heart had stopped at 8w6d. I took misoprostol and labored painfully at home on April 26th. But it didn’t completely work and I bled for an entire month until I had a D&C. I had a normal period in June and started trying again in July.

Around the same time, I started a new job at a startup, leaving my comfortable job at a university. Since then, I found out that we had no money. My six-figure salary dropped to minimum wage, then to nothing at all.

Then I found out I was pregnant again after 2 cycles. I was thrilled and terrified, unsure how we could make it work, how I would probably have to find a new job while pregnant and cover costs while earning nothing.

But it was different this time. The tests weren’t getting darker. My resting heart rate wasn’t increasing. Others said that different must be good, but I knew better. I knew it would end. At 3:30 AM yesterday (5 weeks), I woke with painful cramps and started bleeding. Yesterday, my HCG was 8. The doctor wants to test again, but I don’t see a world in which this baby survives.

Earlier this year, I had a job, a baby on the way, and was buying a house (lost that too!). Now I have a job that pays me $0, have lost 2 babies, and continue to live in a basement apartment.

I can’t stand one more person telling me to “think positive.” Because all of this is bullshit. And I know I will survive, but all of this has nearly destroyed me. I suppose there is farther to fall, but I can only hope that this is the true bottom so I can get back up. I hope this is just the middle of my story.