I guess I’m just in limbo trying to stay strong after my miscarriage 8-8-19. I found out i was pregnant 10 days DPO. I was so happy i called my mom and my husband to tell them about my positive pregnancy test. Immediately i cut caffeine and stop taking my medicine i had been prescribed for my anxiety and bi polar two disease and i called my doctors office to make an appointment to come take a test and to get my HCG levels drawn. They called the next day saying i was definitely pregnant but I was extremely early in my pregnancy. Still excited the cravings and moodiness and exhaustion set it. I was officially off summer break the week i found out i was pregnant. I told my boss days later because i felt like she needed to know why i had to leave to go get blood drawn. She was very happy for me and knows how I long to have a baby of my own one day.

And then one Friday after finding out one of my previous teachers found out she was pregnant we decided to meet up for lunch. Everything was going great until i laid down with my step son for a nap and the bleeding had started with immense cramps. I told my husband that i needed to go to the er because something wasn’t right. And i was right because i shouldn’t have been bleeding at all.

The ultrasound tech came in and did the ultrasound and found no baby not even a sack. But they told me it could’ve been to early to tell. I hung on to that hope until the doctor came in and told me i could be experiencing and ectopic pregnancy or have fibroids. I was able to take a news okay because i know more cases of black women it’s more common and i could have a successful pregnancy.

They sent me hope saying get my levels retested on Monday, and when Monday came the bleeding had progressed but my number had increased from the er numbers at my Wednesday appointment. On Wednesday they took my levels again and when i was waiting to get my results Thursday i was already going through my miscarriage. I passed the whole sack at work.

One of the most devastating things is just telling someone of your coworkers you are pregnant and moments later going to the bath room and seeing your baby in the toilet. By this point i have to tell my director i need to go to the er but ended up not going because my doctor calls me while hysterical to just go home and let it finish happening. That was two weeks ago. I’ve finally stopped bleeding and ready to try again. I want my rainbow baby to know they had a sibling that i loved more than my soul would allow and that they had to go away to fit into God’s greater plan and that i will always love you. 🌈✨👶🏽