Baby # 1 (again)


So last year, I had a missed miscarriage. I have to put that first so you all can understand the levels of worry I have been feeling alllll day today.

When I went into my very first ultrasound appointment for my very first baby last year, I was presented with devastating news: my baby had stopped developing a while ago and my body had not gotten the message yet. I was not going to be a mother. I was completely devastated. Not to mention I was alone, my fiancée was across the country taking care of his cancer ridden it was just me.

My life took several down-spirals after this, I was depressed but didn’t want to admit it, and I needed help. I cannot thank my best friend enough for being there for me through this time, and my aunts, my fiancée tried his best, and my sister. This support system helped to bring me out of my fog. I am indebted to them all. 😭😭😭

Fast forward to Jan. of this year, Justin’s mom’s cancer is in remission, and soon after she is cleared to go home!!! I’m elated both for her health, my fiancée’s own happiness, and mainly—he’ll be home soon!

Who could have imagined that we likely conceived the very night he came home to me (he came home in July, not January however)? I mean things seemed to line up so perfectly. I had just gotten off my menstrual a couple days beforehand....we tried our best to avoid ovulation days...but it was hard...and here I am 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant!

Elation is not the actual word. We both were ecstatic! After last year, he’s excited to be near me and help me through the pregnancy, and I am relieved to have him here. I love him so much, I’ve missed him so much.....sorry about the gushiness.


Today I had my very first ultrasound appointment. My appointment wasn’t until 4pm so I had to wait most of the day. I HAVE BEEN A NERVOUS WRECK ALL DAY!!! I spent all of my day at work, until literally 30 minutes before my appointment. I was happy to be at work, to help keep myself busy and my mind off of things, but between the constant bathroom trips and nausea....I also had a few times where I burst into tears, and also hyperventilating. I just had so much worry. This pregnancy feels different than the first and I was sure my baby was fine, but I only have so much to go on, and I just need to see. I need to see that my baby is healthy and growing and flourishing.

Finally get to the doctor’s office, waiting and extra 25 minutes in the waiting room didn’t help my anxiety at all. The nurse finally takes me back. I’m all nerves. Literally all nerves.

After a few minutes moving the doppler around, she puts up the picture of my baby. She’s explaining that this is the head and the baby’s heartbeat...and I am balling my eyes out. Literally ugly crying right there, like all these nerves and baby was okay the entire time like I knew. I feel so drained. Honestly, since my appointment I’ve thrown up numerous times, and failed at eating dinner...and am currently nauseously exhausted...but I’m happy. My baby is strong and healthy. And, I’m happy.

I think it may be a baby girl, what do you guys think? Heart rate: 154. 😊