My body is weird
possible trigger warning...
struggled with food for years . Since I was 14 , I’m 19 now. Back when I was 16/17 I was so skinny, skinniest I’ve ever been. I weighed 140 pounds and fit size 3 jeans and then half way to 18 I started gained slowly... I got to 160 and fit into size 7/9 jeans. I was ok with it. Back then i didn’t eat much or I ate a lot. I had weird cycles of eating everhthing all day long for a week or two , and then hardly eating anything for a week or two. I didn’t even know I was doing it. When I turned 18 I met someone new and I started gained so much weight... I got to 235 pounds ... I was disgusted. But I’m an emotional eater and I guess he made me really emotional? And I have a a hard time saying no to food I like which he always offered me food . And I also worked at McDonald’s at the time which did not help. Then a few months ago I found lots of stuff on his phone... lots of pictures of skinny girls and pictures of him fucking them. These girls were so so so skinny... like what I used to be before he met me. Some even skinnier then that. Ever since then I’ve been struggling with my self and I’ve developed a weird eating disorder and weird eating habits . I weigh 209 now. Some days I’m so skinny in my head and other I’m so fat a gross . I’m also a picky eater . I don’t eat much in general. Some days I only have yogurt and carrots ... others I eat lots of rice chops and chocolate and the next day when I take pictures of my self I’m so disgusted because it looks like I gained a lot of weight back. I find it hard to starve my self because I eat when I’m bored or upset. But I love to starve my self because I like the feeling it gives me... I like feeling empty physically.. makes me feel skinnier. The thing I hate the most is my tummy... it’s so gross and jiggly. So when I don’t eat much for a few days it’s like it tightens up and I love it but then I go ruin that feeling by eating a bunch of food.
I have body dysmorphia and I guess I’m some kind of anorexic ? . When I look at my body I see someone that’s 350 pounds .. I see obesity. I see fat and ugly. I feel worthless and disgusted. I want to be skinny . So skinny I can see my ribs and feel my hip bones ... so skinny that I can touch my two hands together around my thigh. I want to have no fat. A flat tummy and skinny face. I want to be more pale, I want to be weak and shaky because that’s how I will know I’m getting skinny. I want the scale to show me 130 not 209 . I’m impatient and I keep fucking my self over by doing this binge eating bullshit.
I know it’s not good to be sick or starving your self or binge eating but I want to. And I hate that I want to . I hate this is how I think . I don’t want to encourage it to anyone , this is just how my mind is working right now. And it’s a fight every day because I love doing it but at the same time I know is so unhealthy and it can get really bad .
I just needed to get that all of my chest... no one knows how bad it is in my head. My best friend knows I wanna skinny and she knows I try not to eat but she doesn’t know I take pictures of my self almost every 2 hours of the day to see how my body changes. She doesn’t know al the little secrets like that.. no one does.
Please no hate