Help me help myself :(
LONG STORY AHEAD PLEASE READ AND HELP ME 😭😭😭😭
Ok so I know this is a controversial topic as some women are okay with their partner watching porn and others aren’t and either opinion is completely ok, however I am NOT.
In the beginning of the relationship we discussed boundaries and all the do’s and dint’s basically to make sure we were both on the same page. Well during that conversation he asked my feelings on porn and I told him personally I wouldn’t want him watching it as in my eyes it feels disrespectful and almost like emotional or mental cheating to me for him to find attraction in another woman enough to get off to watching her naked body, well he told me he completely understands and agrees and PROMISED he wouldn’t watch porn in our relationship.
I send him nudes and videos to save to his phone probably every week, well I went to his house last week and was staying round for the week as I had booked some time off work, well once I had finished making him a nice fry up breakfast i went on his phone (as always, we have each other’s passwords and use each other’s phone if it’s nearer) and clicked on the internet to google some places for us to go and spend the way, and I happened to click of chrome rather than safari as they were next to each other and i didn’t think about it, and I saw on the recently watched the orange porn hub logo and my heart dropped.
We’ve had SOOOOO many conversations on why we both think porn is unnecessary and hundreds of conversations about how I think porn is cheating and he understood my point of view, so he knew that this would be outrageous to me. Well I told him i was going to have a bath and went into the bathroom and locked the door and cried with the water running for about 20 mins, and to summarise a long story I said I was leaving because of it and he balled his eyes out and fell to the floor like I had never seen after a couple hours we agreed to work things out but I just cannot get over the idea that he’s been watching it and lying to me this whole time despite knowing how much it’d hurt me, I feel embarrassed and disrespected and sooo insecure, we went out swimming and after being in the pool for 20 mins I asked to go home because I felt so insecure with him being around other females (which is unsual for me in normally fully trusting of him no matter what) and now the trust is gone. I cry every single night. I have had a millions conversations and said everything I wanted to and he apologised a million times but I just can’t move on (and it’s doesn’t help that I’m a small boobed pale woman and the porn we was watching was 2 big boobed black women being fucked by guy, so completely opposite of me)
So ladies, please help me how can I get out of my head about this, if i keep thinking of it how I do my relationship is going to crumble but if I dismiss it I’m going to crumble, we were meant to be getting engaged soon, I hate that this has happened, any advice, personal stories or kind words? All appreciated! Xx