tw / cw: mention of sexual assault, drugs, suicide attempt, mental illness struggles, cursing

when i was 15, i was smoking weed with my brother & a couple of his friends (mind you, this was a typical, “safe” thing everyone did in our neighborhood). my brother & the other guy left the car and his other friend got into the backseat, held me down, and raped me. a month later, i attempted suicide. update: my mental health & self esteem have improved significantly over the years, and i am no longer suicidal or severely depressed in that way.

my brother (who is unaware of what happened) has since moved out of the house/this neighborhood. however, i still live here, a few houses down from that guy’s house where the assault occurred. i cant move out yet, due to my current financial situation, which i have made peace with for now.

but I’m 19, now four years after my assault... today, actually. and i’m still experiencing things like sudden panic attacks, unmotivated/depressive moods for 2-3 days at a time.

and the worst part is, i really want to jump into the dating world & just be more social in the community in general, but i have heavy intimacy issues. crowds tend to freak me out (i can deal with them, but they do cause anxiety). and i can’t even be hugged or unexpectedly touched by close friends who i love & trust. any physical contact, i feel the need to be the one to initiate. also, i often stay home from events & parties that i would otherwise love to attend, because it’s safer to stay home and sit by myself doing nothing. eventually, i would like to get over that.

does anyone have advice on how?

*i have been going to therapy, and have been diagnosed with PTSD due to this assault. i’ve also been working on self-esteem, coping skills, mindfulness, sharing the assault in detail/“owning my truth”, learning my body/sex preferences (alone), and trying to be patient with myself/let myself feel the hurt when i need to.

i feel like i’ve tried every fucking thing RAINN and every other online survivor network recommends, but i still feel broken, like there’s something wrong with me.