i’m going crazy

every where i look i can only see bad

i’m always scared out of my mind

that something bad will happen

and i’m not dumb i know bad things happen

but the worst always seem to happen to me

i open up to someone and scare them away because no one would ever expect a girl like me would even have a mind like that

i’m scared that one day i’ll end up always sad and depressed

i want to live my best life

but i cant find people i trust

people who love me

people who care

people who won’t hurt me

or at least not on purpose

if they do i need someone to help me get put back together

there’s a saying i heard one day

“hope breeds eternal misery” i never knew what it meant

now i do

and i don’t know if i believe in it or not. people have only proven it right. everyday i wake up with dried tears on my face

from crying myself to sleep

all i do is cry behind a smile

it’s so hard trying to live the life of someone you’ve never even met i can’t remember the last time i was laughing or smiling and i genuinely felt happy and joyful

i want someone who can look into my eyes and know what i’m thinking

but with the way i am will i ever get someone like that

“run fast, run away, run straight into the loneliness. it isn’t only home i miss. like the night all my friends got together, heard about it afterwards. didn’t think it would hurt so much. why if i’m doing so well, did i build a wall between me and the world? been drilled in my head forever, ‘be better’ turns out i’m just like everybody else don’t even go near a mirror it’ll kill ya trust me you don’t want to see yourself. f*ck the noise it’s too late it’s the choices now i dont even want to be someone. what made me think i was special, i’m not special. turns out i’m like everybody else” -lennon stella

i tried to be honest with people about how i feel

at first they were welcoming

then as time went on

and i got worse

less and less people cared

i realized i was annoying them

or worse, scaring them

so i told them i was fine now

i pull out my old mask

and when i put it back on it attached itself to me

it’s a part of me now

that’s who people think i am

but i’m scared to tell them how i feel

because i have no one

because of that

i tap on things

click my pen

i have a really hard time focusing

a hard time sleeping

because i can’t turn off the thought in my head

“i’m happy”

“i’m happy”

“i’m happy”

“you’re faking”

“you’re faking”

“you’re faking”

it’s a constant back and forth battle in my head and it doesn’t look like anyone’s going to win

which means the war will go on forever