I’ve had 4 miscarriages

2 of which were missed miscarriages

I had a missed miscarriage and an early loss about 3/4 years back (unplanned pregnancies before my husband so they were not devastating losses as bad as that sounds but they were still losses that hurt me)

In March I had a chemical pregnancy

I was so upset. I still felt overwhelming sadness for the loss. But hope came when I found out in May I was pregnant again

I was so happy

I thought I’m finally getting my rainbow 🌈 baby

My husband was excited

We were both excited to give his daughter a sibling

To have a child together

To grow our family together

At 8 weeks I discovered I had a missed miscarriage at 6 weeks

I knew at 6 weeks my baby was gone

I knew before they told me

I knew before the ultrasound

I knew my body had gone against me for a fourth time

I knew my body was not meant to carry a child

So when they told me my baby had passed, I was crushed but I was not surprised

I knew my fear that I may be infertile was probably true

That I can get pregnant but not stay pregnant. Though I haven’t been told that by doctors, I know in my heart. My body is not meant to carry a baby.

It wasn’t until 11w5d I decided to take misoprostol to induce the miscarriage

It was the scariest and hardest thing I’ve ever had to do

I thought I was dying

And then the emotional pain came

And the news of my husbands 22 year old brother getting his gf pregnant who HAD AN IUD

The bitterness overwhelming

The heartbreak

The realization that I may never have a baby while women who don’t even want a baby get them

I’ve been forsaken with a body that’s betrayed my heart

And I can say

I no longer want a baby

This last miscarriage ruined my desire for a baby or children of my own

I will not put my body through another loss

And I will definitely not put my heart through it again

I don’t want to live with bitterness and resentment for those that conceive even when they don’t want to

I’ll be happy

With my husband

Step daughter and my doggy

And for my birthday my husband surprised me by taking me to the humane society to pick out another family member to give my current doggy a best buddy

We get her on Tuesday

And I’m happy

I’m happy with doggies and a step daughter

I never thought I’d say it

But I’m happy without children of my own.

I no longer feel the need for my own biological children.

And I’m okay.