Here’s the thing: I love my boyfriend but I want to break up with him. There’s so many good things about us, and I’m crying while typing this but I’m breaking up with him and he has no idea yet. This might be ALL over the place but I’m super sick right now from strep but nothing is changing my mind. This has been on my mind for weeks and I’ve had a few conversations with my mom and aunt because I’ve realized that I’m being controlled and manipulated in so many ways and I’ve been blind to it.

We almost broke up a few months ago because I made a girl-friend and he got so insecure about me talking on the phone with her that he accused me of cheating on him with her. Have you ever seen the cycle of abuse? We are in the “calm” stage right now. Him freaking out like that was abusive emotionally and I guess his way of trying to isolate me by making me feel guilty for having any other connection to someone that’s not family even if it’s completely plutonic. I didn’t break up with him the last time he had a “freak out.” And it’s because I’m absolutely terrified of what he will put me through emotionally if I do break up with him. The last time I actually tried he threatened suicide and called me saying he was standing on the street and about to jump in front of cars and made me beg him not to. I’ve realized that the fact that I’m so scared of breaking up with him is just another manipulation tactic.

I plan to start packing his stuff today, he is not home. I am so scared of looking him in the face and saying its over. I’m scared that when I look at him I’m going to immediately back out and let him guilt me into staying with him because I know he will. He will not just leave he will beg and beg and try to make me believe that he’s not gonna survive without me and “how could you do this I would I never do this to you.” And because it’s in the “calm” phase it’s going to be ugly and BAD.

If you have any advice on what I should say to him when I see him please help me with that. Pray for me, do whatever it is you do so I maybe can find the strength. I feel like I’m going to throw up and my emotions are so confusing because I DO love him, he’s not a monster and he’s not all bad. I think he just seriously has personal problems that he needs to work out on his own. I don’t think he realizes that he’s being abusive. If he threatens suicide, I will call 911 for a wellness check. I will also be telling his family so they can keep an eye on him. I need to do this for my own good.

For real cross your fingers and pray for me because this is going to be extremely difficult. As anxious as I am, I cannot wait to feel like I belong to myself again

Edit: my mom will be with me while I do this to have my back