How do you do it again?


This is for all the mom's that have had miscarriages or infant losses and still try.

I found out I was pregnant with my first last year. I was 19 weeks pregnant we went to do our anatomy scan and the baby had no heart beat. We were devastated we had to go to the hospital to be induced and have our sweet baby boy. Definitely the hardest thing I have ever been through. They think it was because of some big cysts on my ovaries, which we already knew about and we're waiting until I was further along to have surgery to remove, because we didn't want them to burst while I was pregnant or in labor. This happened on January 7, 2019, 4 days after my birthday. I had surgery to remove the cysts mid February where they had to remove my ovary and fallopian tube. I was told that if I wanted a child that I should start when I felt ready because the cysts could start forming on my good ovary.

Here comes March and I get pregnant, again everything is good with my pregnancy. I make it past the first trimester, and then that 19 week mark, still everything is good.

August 28, 2019 I am 25 weeks pregnant, is like every other day I get off work at 4 and everything is fine. My boyfriend wants to grab something to eat before work we pick something up and bring it back to the house. We arrive back at the house at 8pm, he eats his dinner and I go to the bathroom, I had been dealing with a little constipation so I push a little and nothing. I go to my room and finish folding the laundry. I start to get a little pressure in my groin area but think nothing of it. The pressure quickly turns to pain and I tell me boyfriend that I will probably be going to the er if it doesn't subside. He heads out the door and I head to the bathroom, I decided to check myself and feel something that isn't normally there, I panic and tell him he needs to take me to the hospital.

We get to the hospital at 9 and find out I am 7 cm dilated and my water bag is bulging out. They try to lay me back so that it stays but with every contraction the babies heart rate decreases. They decide that since he is head down that they will pop my water and I will deliver him. After popping my water they have me push but he turns and his back is facing down, they tell me that I have to have a c section. I'm terrified because he is only 25 weeks. He was born at 11:26pm.

He goes to NICU where he does great the first night, the second night he had to get blood transfusions and unfortunately didn't make it through the 3rd night.

So after all of that how do you have the strength to go through this possibly again. I am almost 30 and my boyfriend is 32, he buried his daughter who passed from SIDS at 3 months and then what happened to Carter and now Sawyer. We want a family together so bad, but I pretty much talked him into getting pregnant with Sawyer and the losing him the way we did is so hard.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.