I have a story to share...
This is the longest post I've ever done, but I promise you it's worth reading. This is a true story. This is my story.
When I was a little kid, I had problems learning how to ride a two wheels bike. At three years old, I could ride a tricycle just fine, but when my parents surprised me with a two wheels bike... it was hell.
Years past and I turned 7. Still, I could not ride my bike. My parents kept buying my new bikes as I grew and they tried over and over again to teach me. I knew they were getting frustrated with me. They would point out other kids smaller than me and say, "Look! That little kid can do it! Why can't you?"
It hurt when they said that and I wondered also how come I couldn't be like everyone else. All my friends could ride their bikes just fine. So what was wrong with me? I would cry a lot, I called my bike, "Stupid," and I felt stupid. Because I was incapable of doing something that was supposedly "easy."
But I kept trying. I fell multiple times. Got hurt and bled multiple times. Each time I failed to ride my bike, the task felt more and more impossible. Other kids laughed at me. "Oh! You can't ride a bike yet!" My family felt disappointed all because I couldn't do a "simple" thing.
But I kept trying. I didn't want to give up because deep down... I wanted so badly to be able to ride my bike. Also, I am pretty stubborn by nature. Anyway, watching the other kids, it looked like so much fun! I wanted to ride with my friends. I had an awesome bike too! It had beads in the wheel so it made a nice sound when the wheels turned.
One day. Mothers day 1999 to be exact. I sat on my bike outside in front of my house just staring at the road ahead of me. I don't know for how long I was just sitting there. Could've been 5 minutes, but it also could've been an hour. I was just staring. I thought about everything and then I decided...
Forget about the other kids who could already ride their bikes.
Forget about what my family says/thinks.
Forget about my fear of failing. If I fall, I fall. If I get hurt, I get hurt. Just stand back up and try again.
I am doing this, because I want to do this. I want to ride my bike and I can do it. Because this is my moment.
I gripped the handle bars tightly and I kicked off and put both my feet on the peddles and I learned how to ride my bike.
I was seven. And I felt amazing! I was beyond proud of myself. Sure, I didn't learn to ride my bike as fast as most kids. But I did it. And to finally succeed after 4 years of trying just made the joy I felt so much more better.
Honestly, if I would've learned how to ride my bike on the first try, my emotions wouldn't have been as strong. It would've been cool, yes, but just not the same. That is why that memory is so strong to me. Why it still makes me smile and yes, it even makes my eyes water, cause I still feel how proud I was of myself that day.
I kept on riding up and down the street for hours until my Step father came home, and when he pulled up he had this huge look of surprise on his face. We both went inside and my mother was smiling. She said, "I was watching you the whole time and I am so proud! This is the best mother's day gift you have given me!"
Then we all went bike riding together.
So here's why I wanted to share this story...
I'm not a kid anymore. I'm an adult and now I have adult challenges. Don't we all? And one of the hardest thing I'm trying to do now is TTC.
It's easy to look around and see everyone else getting pregnant. It's easy to hear people say/ask, "when are you having kids and blah, blah, blah..." it's easy to feel at blame thinking there's something wrong with you. It's easy to feel at doubt....
What's wrong with me?
Why can't my body do a simple function?
How come everyone else can have a baby but I can't?
The answer is this: You just gotta keep trying.
Forget everyone else who is already pregnant/has kids.
Forget about the people being nosy.
Forget about falling (seeing those negatives)
Instead, look straight past all that at your journey ahead and keep moving forward.
And let's get something straight. You're not out just because AF shows. When AF shows all that means is that you had a fall (negative) and yes, it might hurt and you'll bleed for some time, but the bleeding will stop and when it does, you get up and try again. Because you're not out until you get those two pink lines. When you get those two pink lines, then you'll be out. You'll be out of the TTC journey and you'll begin your next journey and I'm sure you'll be faced with even bigger challenges!
Trust me when I say, that after trying so hard for that positive, no words in the dictionary can explain the emotions you'll feel when you get your sticky bean. When you see other people post their positives after trying for whatever amount of time. Do you feel their happiness? I do. I feel it through an app on my phone. That's how powerful and strong those emotions are. So, keep trying and one day, you'll feel it too.
I'm bleeding right now. I've got cramps, I feel like shit. But I'm not out. The moment my bleeding stops I'm going to stand right back up and try again. And if I fall again this month then I'm going to stand again next month and the month after that and the month after that until I succeed because I am stubborn as fuck and I want a baby. Who is going to stand with me?
If you've read all this, thanks! I hope to see you standing. This is our moment.