My heart is broken 💔

I lost our baby exactly a month ago today at 15 wks and 5 days. It’s been a hard month for me. Two days before losing my baby we had just gotten our blood results back and found out gender. We went out to celebrate and bought pink balloons. It was a baby girl. I was finally ready to announce to the world we were expecting our first bundle of joy. And in a matter of 48 hours my life was turned upside down. On Friday morning I had some spotting. Naturally i called my doctor. I was told to rest and take it easy. Saturday morning at 2:30 AM I went to the bathroom and had large clots and bleeding. I knew at that point something wasn’t right. I googled and searched the internet. Every post advised to call the doc. I woke up my hubby and told him something wasn’t right. Then all of a sudden I felt something coming down and ran to the bathroom. I was bleeding, full on bleeding. It was heavier than my normal period. We called the doctors office. Unfortunately, it was 3 AM and we were routed to the on-call nurse. She advised us to go to the ER if it was bad and she’d call the doctor. We waited but decided it was best to go to the ER. Upon arriving to the ER my husband ran inside as I slowly walked in. As I walked through the door, blood was leaking through my pants, everywhere. I was wheeled to the back and had lots of blood work and ultrasound done. At this point, I knew in my heart my baby girl was gone. What seemed like hours passed by and the ER doctor came in and confirmed, I lost my baby. My OB came in and we decided to go with the D&C procedure. We went home later that afternoon. Coming home was hard. We had ultrasound pictures in the living room and pink balloons. I kept wishing and hoping this was all a bad dream and that I’d wake up pregnant with my baby. 💔

Yesterday I was supposed to be 20 weeks and had a full anatomy scheduled. I find myself breaking down randomly, I just want my baby back. We were told baby most likely stopped developing between 12-15 weeks. Has anyone had this happen? Were you able to conceive and carry your rainbow baby to full term right after? I don’t think my heart can handle another miscarriage. It’s been one of the toughest things I’ve ever been through. I find myself asking why, why me, why us? 😭