Depression is a hard battle

I’ve always had anxiety and depression. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Now I just think I’ve messed it all up. When I was 5, I was raped by a trusted female. Thinking it was just a game to be friends I never told my parents. Then as I got older, I didn’t tell them because I was ashamed to have not known what she did was wrong. Then I was angry and blamed the world for my misfortune. I never told anyone. When I realized what happened to me, it was around the same time her father died and I was scared everyone would take her side, call me a liar, or kick me out of my own family. I wished her barren and unable to have children because of what she did. God listened because well... now she is. But now I can’t seem to have children either. I’ve had a few miscarriages, I’ve been to the doctor, I have Endo, and now I’m terrified I’ve cured myself by being overjoyed by the misfortune that left the woman who hurt me barren. I feel like somehow I’ve jinxed myself and I can’t stop asking why I deserve this. Depression and anxiety are a hard battle. You blame yourself a lot and for some reason I think I’m right to blame myself this time and just want outside opinions..