I’ve been having these thoughts for a week or so now, and I feel like I have no one to talk to, so I figured this was a safe place to do so. I have bipolar disorder and suffer from PTSD. My anxiety has gotten worse over the years. I’m on medication that’s suppose to keep me at a good middle ground, but it feels as though it isn’t. I’m constantly depressed. I try so hard to push through but I have no will to do so. I had to leave my job due to my mental health, and my wife and I talked about it and she was okay with it. Super supportive. I am also in therapy once a week. I’m now trying to find a job but I have had no luck. I’ve applied for 85 jobs.. no exaggeration. My self esteem is shit right now as well. I don’t even want to look in the mirror at myself. Or take pictures. My wife is such a loving concerned woman and she tries her best to keep me afloat, but I can feel myself letting go and drowning. I feel like her life would be so much better without me in it. I even have thoughts about what she could do with my life insurance policy. I know.. that’s horrible to think about. But my thing is that I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to stop feeling the way I’m feeling. I feel like the world hates me. I feel like I’d be doing everyone a favor by not existing.