Sad post

no

I know I don’t speak much on my mom the way I use to. Those long letters of saddens every year on Mothers Day, Her birthday, Holidays, & Etc. This one is a little different. I do miss and love her like crazy. This was the last time I went to visit her, I never went and sat down like I did this day. I couldn’t even tell you what day this was quite honestly.. I was in a really messed up part of my life and the sad part is, that’s the day I accepted her death. The day I walked away knowing she’s actually gone forever. It’s been about a couple years since this day about 3/4 years now.. As I sit here and carry her grandchild for 9 whole months. I always think what it would be like to have her to lean on during the hard days. What it would be like to just wake up and call her to tell its baby time. What it would be like to hear her say my baby’s name. Just to hear her voice anyways. God how I would do anything to be to hug my mom and hear her voice and laugh. The reason I am writing this is because I’m only 5 WHOLE days away from my due date. This year it isn’t my 23rd birthday driving me nuts without my mom. It’s having my first child soon that’s driving me insane. All the thoughts of my mother.. The closer my due date comes the more sad and anxious I get that I won’t have my mother there to support me, to count has I am pushing, to hold my hand when I’m in pain, to rub my back and support me through each contractions. This may sound crazy to y’all, but I really want my mother there. I know she’s going to be there, but I won’t be able to see her or hear her. I won’t be able to hold her or see her hold my baby.

It’s really hitting me hard today.

I just wish you were here.