Is it my fault ?

Someone very close to me and I were having a conversation a few moments ago.. About rape and shootings.. Well one thing led to the other and while he was talking my mind was racing through all the times I’ve been raped .. He was saying if you stay inside it won’t happen to you. If you don’t put yourself out there it won’t happen to you. Okay, well that’s your opinion. But with me each time I got raped I was inside MY HOUSE WITH PEOPLE I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST... The first time I was 12.. It was my uncle... Second time I was staying with a friend at the age of 18 because my boyfriend at the time and I were homeless and we spilt ways an stayed with different friends. The friend I was staying with her husband raped me as I laid in the spare bedroom that was now considered mine.. It told me not to tell his wife.. I never did until they divorced.. I got raped again at the age of 21 by an ex boyfriend of mine. We went out for drinks was talking next thing I know I’m waking up to him choking me and pounding me so hard that I threw up and was choking on my vomit inside my friends mini van outside my house.. I was raped again at the age of 21 by another guy.. A close friend.. We were celebrating for a friends birthday and I had people over. Just a small group. My ex boyfriends (the one I was with when I was raped by my friends husbands) brother & sister were there, my brother was there, nephew&niece’s mother was there (it was her home) asleep, and the friend that had raped me.. I thought I was safe I was around my brother you know. So yes I let myself go I let myself feel free to drink knowing my brother would watch over me.. But no I wasn’t safe. It only took one trip to the bathroom to pee & throw up. For that friend to slip in and take control over me.. I don’t remember this much.. I however remember the pain I felt in my groin the bleeding dripping out of me (Which I had a tampon in when he raped me) so I don’t know if the blood was from that or not.. Anyways, I remember the feeling of devastation I had I remember the cops coming to talk to me because I was threatening everybody after the fact. I remember sitting in the tub covering my body crying telling everybody to leave me alone.. When I could’ve easily opened up to the cops on why I was acting like I was, but at the time I didn’t know I was raped.. I just felt pain I felt like someone took a hammer to my vagina area. I didn’t know I had “sex” even days after.. I didn’t know I had a tampon stuck inside of me. I thought I had taken it out and stopped bleeding that night I was raped.. I remember laying in my dads hospital bed at his house while he was sitting in his recliner. When I felt the pressure in my vagina it took me an hour to take the tampon out of me because of all the swelling I remember sitting on the toilet and feeling a big clot just come out of me.. The reason I went into deep with the last story is because that’s the only rape story he knows about me which he didn’t find out until 3 weeks ago that had happened to me.. He said it was fault I shouldn’t of got blacked out drunk.. Is it my fault?

Is it my fault I had gotten raped?

Yeah, maybe if I wasn’t drinking it wouldn’t of happened. Maybe if I didn’t invite him over it wouldn’t of happened. Maybe if I didn’t go to the bathroom it wouldn’t of happened..

Am I at fault for my own rape?

I’m laying in the tub devastated thinking I’m at fault for something.

Maybe I could’ve prevented it. But I didn’t think he would rape me. I didn’t think he would take advantage of me. We always partied together.. We was always blacked out drunk together and not once had the happened although we were with different groups.

I thought I was safe. I wish I could turn back time now..