7 years

Small personal story that’s been on my mind. Just have to tell it to get t off my chest to anyone who would listen (read)

At age 15 I started having sex, I then moved across country from the boy I first had sex with/dating. I got onto the depo shot but wasn’t really familiar with the side effects. I was on average 130lbs. Due to the side effects I was sick and lost weight and my periods stopped. I thought I was pregnant. At age 16. Just like my mom did with my sister. So I was panicking but at the same time I was hoping I was. But of course I wasn’t. And up until I was 17 almost 18 I was on the depo. It wasn’t until I was 20 I got my period.

But from that first moment I thought I could be pregnant and touching my stomach thinking maybe. Every relationship I had been in I was hoping I would have a baby. Hoping to get pregnant. I was told at 18 my uterus was sterile and I wasn’t producing eggs. So every time I had a new boyfriend and I didn’t get pregnant I cried a lot. At 21 I had multiple thoughts I was pregnant. I was with the same guy for a year. They usually didn’t last more than 6 months honestly because I wanted a baby and they “didn’t” work. And I asked this guy i was dating of 12 months if he wanted a baby with me. He said yes and we were already having unprotected sex without pulling out but now it was like truly trying and every month when I had pain and bled. I cried and cried. Begging God (if there was one) to please let me have a child. I didn’t care if I got fat. I had more health issues. Or if it was a boy or girl. I just wanted a healthy baby. And right before my 22nd birthday. My period was “late”, but since they were irregular I didn’t think much of it. But I still got a test anyway. Every month if I thought I could be pregnant I bought a test. I just wanted a baby and i didn’t care who with. The guy could leave and I wouldn’t care. As long as I had a little one. And it was a week before my birthday. I peed on a stick. Expecting to see one line like usual I was preparing for the crying session. I got into the shower and cried. I got out and I looked over and there it was 2 lines. I picked it up in shock. I was shaking. I showed my boyfriend and he didn’t know what it meant and I said pregnant. And he legit read the entire directions to make sure. We were both happy. But I. I was over the moon. I couldn’t believe it. I made an appointment with my doctor to confirm. And at first the new nurse said it was negative but came back in and said she was mistaken after I was trying not to break down.

5 weeks. I was so happy. My first ultrasound, my heart was racing and seeing my baby and hearing the heart beat. I was smiling.

At 17 weeks, I found out I was having a baby boy. My heart flew. My little boy.

On May 15th, he was born via emergency C-section. His heart rate kept dropping every time I had to push. My heart was beating so fast staring at the ceiling while being cut open. When I heard his first cry, I smiled and tears ran down my face. They took him away after I saw him for a minute, his daddy went with him. I just wanted my baby. The empty feeling of being without my little darling as I was being stitched up. The moment I got him in my arms I felt whole again. He is the love of my life. He is my reason for being alive. He is what I always wanted. What I have been always waiting for. He is my miracle.

His dad and I split up because his father felt like I wasn’t being loving enough. All I wanted was my baby. My son. I didn’t want to be touched. I didn’t want to be kissed. I just wanted to stare at my baby and hold him. At 3 months old his dad decided that he wasn’t going to be in his life (I told him to get a job and help me pay for things but he didn’t want to after kicking him out for being violent) and I didn’t care. If he doesn’t want to be in our sons life. Okay. I’m here for him. I’ll always love him. Everything I do is for him. Getting my doctorate was something I didn’t think I’d ever do. And yet here I am. Trying. For my boy. He is my world. He is all I need. I don’t care for romance or anything else. I’m 23 years old now. And I’ve been trying to get pregnant for 7 years. With any guy I’ve dated.

And now that I’m a mother. I know it was stupid to try with any guy I was with. But having my son is worth everything.

I love him so much it hurts. I know I’m weird or crazy. But he is all I have ever wanted.