im an attention whore snowflake

period comes and here i open this usually worthless app for me.

so basically

for the last few years i’ve been acting as a guy online. i feel more like me when i do so but i can’t figure out if it’s because i prefer being a man or english is just a better language. irl im very quiet and i hate my voice so much. i do karaoke every week but i don’t listen to myself, i only pay attention to how entertaining it is.

i am uncomfortable with being female, but i always do the “im a sexist asshole who thinks women are inferior” excuse but like. that’s not cool.

i hate my voice and my body, but im too much of a social being so i just????? disconnect from the body?????? like im just a demon spirit whatever piloting a shitty mecha.

i feel better when i look like a man. sure, my old feminine pictures are ok, she’s pretty, but i prefer looking masc/neutral.

i don’t know what to do. i hate my existence, feels like all my problems are caused by me being female, but i feel like such an attention whore tumblr snowflake when i do that. but like. in my mind i sound like detective pikachu, but irl i sound like a pro fortnite player and that’s not cool. im also either a man or a cute anime trap in my imagination, never woman.

binder is on its way. i hate this jiggly useless weight on my chest that no bra can stop. i always did. i like looking at boobs, playing with boobs, but not seeing them on me. mirror is fine, looking down is not fine.

if im really a man, what should i eat to start making testosterone? i don’t want to deal with doctors bc i don’t think it’s even legal for me to exist in such condition in my country.