We lost custody of our foster kid overnight. I'm writing this ten minutes after her stuff was removed in garbage bags. We did nothing wrong, but we just couldn't get through to her. She got in trouble, and she was removed. In less than 12 hours. She'd been with us for a long time. Now we have no contact. We didn't even get to say goodbye.

I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my first biological child after a series of miscarriages. My heart is broken. I feel like I've failed even though I did everything I could. I poured all the love of my lost babies into her, and now I've lost her too. I don't want to say the joy of my own child is gone because that could never happen. But loss comes so tragically and unexpectedly. Loss seems to favor some and shy from others. I don't know how to rekindle the happiness I've had as my due date approaches. I wonder if I'll look at my child and see all the ones I've lost. Dare I say out loud that I'm afraid I'll lose her too.

I don't know why I'm posting here. I don't know what I'm looking for. I guess I'm just afraid.

Update:

She was given the opportunity to contact us, and she chose not to. She said she wasn't ready to talk to us. I'm allowed to send in a letter, and I'm torn about what I should say in the letter. On one hand, I want to let her have it and tell her how selfish I feel like her decision to ignore us was. After all we went through and did for her and sacrificed for her.... She's acting as if she's the only one hurting from this situation.

On the other hand, I could tell her that I understand and that we are here whenever she feels like she's ready to talk to us, but I'd be ignoring all the anger and hurt my husband and I are feeling.

She was with us for almost four years. We would have adopted her if mom was willing to give up parental rights, but she never would. Either way, I plan to tell her that we love her and miss her.

I just wish we could have our girl back, but she won't even call me.