TW: sexual assault

I think I was sexually assaulted. By ‘I think’ I suppose I mean I know but I don’t remember if I had consented.

I was hanging out with a guy I barely knew, I was drinking and he wasn’t.

My next memory is my friends picking me up later that night to go out. My memories of that day *post assault* start from there. I am walking out of my house towards my friend’s car. I was a little drunk but still fine. Then we get to where we’re heading and go to the bathroom and realise I had bruises all over my body. From my neck all the way down fo my thighs. It looked like somebody had beat me up and it was painful.

I suddenly started getting some memories back. I remember drinking and talking to this man. Then I remember being in a lot of physical pain, but no visual memories. And then I remember leaving my house.

Part of me feels like even if I did consent, something seems very wrong. But part of me also thinks ‘what if I asked him to?’

After all I have been sleeping around more than usual, and maybe that was just me being self destructive.

I want to remember what happened and I am exposing myself to potential triggers (tv shows, interviews etc of people who have experienced it) but nothing. No memories.

How can I remember?