After trying for over a year, my husband and I finally conceived at the end of July. We had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks and 6 days. Baby was healthy and had a heartbeat of 133. Last Thursday, I hit 9 weeks. Saturday morning we posted our announcement on Facebook. We had originally agreed to wait until the 30th but were too excited.

A few hours after posting, I went to the bathroom and had some spotting. Nothing crazy- just some light pink. I still called my midwife and she said it was normal. Just to get some rest and drink plenty of fluids. The fact that the baby had such a strong heartbeat from the beginning, was reassuring. Sunday I went to the bathroom and the spotting was red. I called the midwife again and they scheduled me for an ultrasound for Monday. Meanwhile, the spotting had gone away.

On Monday, the spotting was back, but very light pink. I was trying to stay positive but noticed my boobs weren’t as sore, and I wasn’t as tired. My mom went with me to my appointment because my husband was working. As soon as my sweet babies image was on the screen, I knew. There was no heartbeat. My baby had grown 10x the size it was at 6 weeks. But something happened, and the heart stopped beating.

Now I’m just sitting here, feeling empty, knowing I’m carrying around the body of my child inside of me. I’m still not cramping or bleeding. I’m spotting very lightly when I use the restroom. But I really just want this nightmare to be over.

I know this is long, so if you took the time to read it, thank you. In some way, I thought maybe writing it out would help me heal.