On and off I have switched between feeling male and female on the gender spectrum. For around 2 years of my early teens I strongly felt male. I wanted a flat chest, I enjoyed short hair, I didn’t wear anything that made me feel “girly” and I even thought I wanted to get a fake penis to wear. At one point I tried male pronouns but it sounded strange to me and made me feel embarrassed. After a big move and meeting a guy I liked I completely retracted. Long hair again, feminine clothes, she/her, and it all just kind of stopped? I still felt masculine at times and enjoyed dressing up “boyish” but little by little I let it all go and didn’t feel bothered. He was straight and not very lgbtq forward (He’s gone now 👍🏼). But here I am again for the first time in a long time. I want a flat chest, a masculine physique, the hair I worked so hard to grow back is starting to feel like too much again. The thought of T again excites me, however, I do not want any bottom growth. Because I fear flipping between the genders the rest of my life the thought of a small penis there scares me. I’m used to my vagina, even if at times it isn’t exactly what I wanted, I have never been bothered by it. I know I can’t pick and choose. It just really sucks knowing that no matter what I have to forgo a part of who I want to be. No T and my face and hips and voice will always look like a chick, but with T I will have to experience bottom dysphoria instead of the relief it gives many other ftm guys. I’d also definitely lose a ton of hair 😬 I have seen my bro’s hairline.