I’m at a loss for words...he promised

A year ago today my BF and I lost our first baby at 7+2. I wanted to keep trying and he didn’t so we didn’t but he didn’t want to wear a condom and he knows I don’t do birth control due to health reasons so I was fine with it cause I wanted a baby anyways. My period was irregular and I stopped keeping track with no motive of being able to try, and by chance i became pregnant again in February. Well on May 14 we lost our second due to a partial molar pregnancy when her heart stopped beating. My original Doctor was an idiot and didn’t check for a reason as to why this had happened. Didn’t even offer a transvaginal ultrasound. He continued to push me to do a D&C but I wanted a second opinion due to there being no bleeding, so I got it. My new Doct. knew as soon as I relayed the same symptoms I had been telling my first doctor for the 3 weeks prior (excessive sickness and vomiting any time I ate, abdominal pain and bloating, extreme constipation and my hcg levels were double what they should’ve been) that I had a partial molar pregnancy. My baby was only 11 weeks in size, but the placenta was at about 22-24 weeks in size. After a complicated and risky D&C (that the other doctor would have possibly killed me trying to perform due to the amount of blood I lost and the size of the placenta since I had to be fully dilated) my new doctor explained I had a chance of developing a type of uterine cancer and may need a hysterectomy if I developed it or if the bleeding didn’t stop and i had to do weekly blood monitoring until my levels reached negative. Once they were negative, I would need to be monitored once a month for 3 months to make sure they didn’t become positive again because that would mean it was cancerous. This time was very stressful on my body, veins, and emotional/mental state. My boyfriend was supportive and I stopped working. I was sitting at a desk all day at a call center and I couldn’t get over it emotionally. I would start crying while I was on the phone with the banks clients and anytime there was a baby in the background, I would choke on my words. It became a safety concern for the clients accounts and I would rather quit than gotten fired for failing. About a month after I was released and finally started to be able to drive again I asked my boyfriend if we could try again if everything came back good and the doctor said it was safe. He said yes and I cried because I was so happy (he said no after we lost our first baby).

Anyways, I got the call yesterday last test is all good and as long as I stay prenatal an iron we can go for it. I was so happy. This is what got me through, the promise of being able to get to it when I was clear. I ovulated last week so I was planning to try in October on the 13-15 cause my peak is the 16th. I was ready to just have some fun with him tonight because it’s been awhile since we have and I was like, “hey we don’t need condoms anymore :)” and then we got in this huge drawn out discussion and my periods on 3 days so the chance I get pregnant if we did it’s are so fucking slim. He starts arguing me on this and I’m just like, okay Wait. He said we could try and now that I’m better and i got my hopes so high and I was so motivated before, he’s gonna burst my bubble now? And it seems like he’s leaning towards the idea of not trying ever again. He says he’s scared it will happen again, and I get that, I’m petrified that my body will have to go through that again and I don’t know what I’d do if it happened again, but if we don’t even try I know what will happen. I’ve dealt with depression before and I got over it years ago but on occasion it returns and I struggle on and off, especially these past few months and losing my baby. I don’t want to force him, or trick him, but I do want to hold him to his promise. I just feel lost now that the only thing that was motivating me was a family with him and as far as he’s concerned, it’s not gonna happen. I don’t even know what to do. The worst part is, like a week after I had my surgery, I found these messages (pictured) on his phone when I was trying to surprise him with some cute photos on his Snapchat, trying knew filters. The girl Amanda is someone he went to HS with and he graduated in 2015, not his ex Amanda, but he still talks to the ‘friend’ Amanda. I’ve voiced my concerns because I can tell by the way he talks about her and what she says that she’s completely interested. I told him what I found, he knows but I still haven’t gotten any answers and I caught him in a basket of lies that night. He also lied and told me that his exes name was let’s say Amanda Viop, and I saw that he was snapping her occasionally and he messaged her happy birthday and replied to a “send nudes” meme, not with nudes but with some inappropriate joke that I don’t even remember now. Anyways, I confronted him on messaging her and he said that shes not his ex so then I’m like

Then what is your exes last name, because I knew it was Amanda” and the Amanda ‘viop’ that I “randomly found” on Instagram who graduated from the same school has 2 kids and baby daddy ain’t around. Same picture as was on Snapchat so I know he was talking to this single mom of 2. Then I wanted to know if they were his, he said no. And still hasn’t told me and he changes the subject when I ask, says he doesn’t want me finding her on insta, he knows I’ll try to. no shit. 🙄

The problem I have with these messages

is they started in November, after we already lost baby #1. So he lied to her to make me sound like a bitch or he’s not talking about me which is a whole new can of worms. Thing is, only half the conversation was saved so I don’t even know the rest and he claimed he doesn’t remember. And he was sending her screenshots of our conversations and he left angry one night which we agreed we wouldn’t do, so I hand wrote a 3 page letter because I don’t like texting issues it’s rude, and left it on the counter literally pouring myself out to him and he took pictures of it and sent it to her. We talked about this all already and I let it go, he apologized, but he was supposed to still explain things and he hasn’t. It’s been 4 months now.

This was a screenshot of our convo he sent her. I’m the gray bubble. I refuse to argue over text. And I know he sent her more screen shots of them because they were on his phone just not saved as sent on snap chat.

(I literally asked him the day after, why he had taken pictures of the letter, he said he didn’t want to read it off the book he wanted to read it off his phone. Come to find out it was to send her the pictures)

Idk. I love him and he’s usually so nice. It’s Been a few months over a year and we’ve gotten through so much, but geeze. What if he doesn’t want to try this time cause he feels that way again. I want children. I want to raise a family and I don’t know how to hold him to his promise without feeling like crossing a line. If he doesn’t want kids he needs to tell me because then it would be easier to go our separate ways now. He said tonight were not in the right place to do it but we agreed months ago to move to a bigger apartment to ohio and I’ve been the only one looking for places and jobs there and trying to figure this all out.