If you have a second to listen.

Today would’ve been my Due date. 9/30/19 . Time really flew. 😩 I know if I would’ve been still waiting on it it would’ve been the longest time of my life lol..... but it came up so fast . Today I’m actually having stable emotions . Which is the opposite of what I’ve been having since February!! When such a happy moment went sour so fast . I can’t believe I would’ve been someone’s mommy today or around today, still kind of weird . I’ll say this past 7 months has been an eye opener! & sort of depressing!! All the times I’ve asked a woman “Do you have kids and there response was no .. & I asked why not” or asked “Do you want kids” to someone without.. NOW I rather go without asking. It seems like the past 7 months I’ve been asked 737736272627 billion times “How old are you, you don’t have kids? Or you don’t want any kids or why don’t you have any kids” than I’ve ever been asked in my life! wanting to say “I lost my baby asshole”... or “actually my baby would’ve been almost due”. I’ve never seen so many babies and pregnant women on my TLs and in stores then I have since I lost my baby ! And it’s been soooo hard! Walking past little families and going to check up appointments to make sure my body is okay but having to go to a obgyn where so many babies and mommy -to- be’s are 😩😩😩😩 has been so sad & annoying! Though now days it actually is a normalized question and concern since everyone has a child or children 😩 to wonder about those who don’t? But now being on the other side I’ve became more cautious of my words to women without them. You don’t know what the next woman is going through or has gone through . You don’t know if she can’t have kids or attempted and it didn’t work out that time, but nothing is wrong so she’ll try again when she’s ready ... So before you ask WHY ? Think about it for a second. I don’t think it’s rude or anything it’s just something to really think about. You don’t know why and sometimes it’s none of your business ! I hate that we put a time frame on such a big responsibility! Some women don’t want kids and that’s fine, some others aren’t ready and some lost what they wanted the most 😪😪 I cannot count how many times I’ve laid in my bed crying questioning God. I know your never supposed to. But it’s only human.. to wonder WHY certain things happen and why are things the way that they are? I think I would’ve been the best mommmmmmmy 🤞🏽❤️☺️ so I question God a lot . It’s hard not toooooooooooo! Wondering is something physically wrong with me when the doctors said it’s nothing” but if it’s NOTHING..... why did this happen? If it’s nothing why am I not holding my baby today? Like can you not say what’s “normal” ... or “it happens everyday” When normal is a woman’s body being able to hold, carry and deliver a child! I lost my baby due to a miscarriage back in February... It was one of the worse times in my life! As sometimes I already feel like I have nothing to live for or nothing to lose finding out I was pregnant... though not married or finically stable I was beyond excited! I was approaching my 8th week when suddenly I started having sharp pains bigger then imaginable while laying in bed!! I never been through pregnancy before so I thought it was normal. My body was changing and getting prepared to go though one of the biggest things a woman could go through.... so I slept through the night fighting the pain ! The next day the pain returned I began to google search and ask friends if it was “normal” some said yes a few said it’s really early ... so I decided to go to the hospital! I went in thinking “kelley, relax they’ll give you some meds or something you might be able to see the baby though it’s early .. and you’ll go home fine first time mommy to be” 😩😩 . I was wrong ! Within the first hour or so of being there with doctors rushing in and out I began to panic knowing this doesn’t seem normal” !!! I went and gave blood had IVs and everything!! Went to get an ultra sound and the techs face TOLD ME ! Something is not right. It was not like the movies!! No excitement , no smile , NOTHING AT ALL . I did not know or expect The first time seeing my baby to be my last! 😪😪 I was nervous as heck but laid still with butterflies and pain waiting for her to turn the screen to show me my little bean like they normally do... which never happened!

Who would’ve thought the pain in my tummy I thought every pregnant woman went through and goes through was me losing my child. I think the hardest part is with that being my first pregnancy I’m scared to try again. It left a scar in my brain .. a mountain full of “what if’s” and “oh no’s” . Now all I think about is what it could’ve been and what if it will never be ! I say all this to say you are not alone if you’ve been through this or going through it. In this time no one can say anything to make the pain go away. All I heard for months was “your young you can try again” “you weren’t prepared no way” “go work on yourself then plan a baby” “get married first now” “you were early when it happened” “the baby was barely there when the miscarriage took place” and though all is true NONE is enough to put a bandage on the wound I am left with. On Mother’s Day it was beyond hard thinking in advance all the “soon to be mom” cards I was going to receive and never got to. Today I could’ve been holding a bundle of greatness!! I told myself I cannot sit around and cry over what could have been. I’ve Had my moments and tell myself to relax. I know Gods plan is better than mine. His timing is better than mine and sometimes the worse times in our life could be helping us veer away from what really could be the worse. I know my baby is watching over me and I know one day I’ll be the best mommy I can be. But for now until God is ready for me to be a mom, I’ll be the best God mommy and TT I can be to all my babies as my practice lol 💪🏽💪🏽👌🏾🥳 . Kells loveeeee the kids. ❤️😂😇😌

Side noteeeee 👀🤔 please remember the worse thing to say is to someone going through or has been through a miscarriage is “You weren’t that far along” be glad it happen early on” and “you can try again” it’s not about “trying again” or how long a woman was pregnant... rather It was pregnant 3 days or 40 weeks IT STILL HURTS THE SAME ! And the simplest things can actually be a trigger to some women. Just be Courteous you never know what someone is going through or has been through 😘

& You are not alone If this was relatable to you And if you need to talk Or need someone to just listen.. Kellsssss is here for you 😘😘😘 thank you for letting me vent 😩😘 I know it happens everyday and 7262616616 women have been through it but it hit different and HARDER.... when it happens to you. When you would’ve never imagined 😪

HAPPPPYYYY Could’ve... should’ve been BIRTHDAYYY my heaven baby 🥳👶🏽👼🏾 I love you .