I’m not really sure if I’m just venting or looking for advice. TIY for reading.

This has been the hardest six weeks I can remember. Here’s my history.

My husband and I have a 2.5 year old daughter and we are so thankful for her. We conceived her on our honeymoon without really trying (no charting and tracking—I just got off BC and it happened). I had had an ectopic pregnancy before that so I only have one working Fallopian tube, so we were elated it was so easy. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I got off the Cymbalta I had been on since I was 15 years old for generalized anxiety disorder. I had been weaning off it for months, so it wasn’t terrible, but most of the withdrawal symptoms were covered up by pregnancy symptoms. I had a rough pregnancy—nausea all 9 months and plenty of anxiety, but I just had myself to take care of so it wasn’t too bad. I’m not embarrassed to say I absolutely hated being pregnant, but I’m beyond thankful that my daughter was born healthy so I won’t complain. I tried to stay off meds after she was born, but finally got Zoloft 5 months Postpartum. I was an anxious mess—my typical anxiety that has no triggers. Just general anxiety 24/7 about anything from what to eat for dinner to worrying about my husband dying in a car crash whenever he left the house The meds made my life 100% better.

Fast forward to this summer. We just bought a new house and decided to start TTC. Everything was going well. My normal OBGYN said it’s fine to stay on my Zoloft since I was on the smallest possible dose. We started trying in July. In August my husband’s grandfather went in for surgery for cancer and has been in the hospital for six weeks. Hes probably not going to make it. So, my husband has been at the hospital after work at least three or four days a week, leaving me to care for our toddler when I come home from work. I was doing fine until I got pregnant mid August. I was still taking my Zoloft but had extreme fatigue. It was rough with him being gone, but I was ok.

September 15 I miscarried at 6.5 weeks. We were devastated. The pregnancy was the only good news we had had in months with his grandfather s health issues. I went to my OB for an appointment after the miscarriage and it wasn’t my normal OB since they fit me in. She told me the miscarriage wasn’t my fault, but then saw I was on Zoloft and was like “oh! You’re on this? You really need to get off it before TTC again.” I broke down sobbing. My other doctor said it was fine, but she said I needed to get off it. She told me to go see a psychiatrist, but that I probably couldn’t get in for six months.

For various reasons (including my job and the age of our daughter) we really want to conceive again ASAP. So, I went off my Zoloft. It’s been two weeks and I’m absolutely miserable. I cry and have panic attacks for no reason. I’m minimizing my stress as much as possible, but I work full time, am a mother, and a family member is dying. My husband is being really supportive, but I feel guilty because he’s trying to hold himself together, supporting me emotionally and taking rotations staying with his grandfather at the hospital.

I’m not sure what to do. I really just want to go back on my Zoloft. I know myself. I’ve done therapy before. My anxiety is from my brain chemistry. I need those meds for my brain to function at 100%. I feel like if I was diabetic or something my doctor would not be telling me to get off my meds for the good of my baby, she would be working with me more. I did schedule an appointment with another OB, but it’s not for another month. If you have anxiety, you know a month can be like an eternity.

Thanks for reading.