So my husband is getting deployed for a year. Very soon. And everyday it gets closer the closer I am to bursting into tears.

There is so much worry. I worry about his safety and I worry about our kids. My middle child is 4 and she is just super anxious about it. And then I worry about the oldest thinking maybe she’s just hiding her upsetness, and I worry that the 2 year old is going to be upset when she sees daddy isn’t coming home.

And then I feel guilty because there are other people doing this. And this isn’t the first time he’s been on orders. We’ve done three months, eight months. It’s not like this is a first.

And then even though I know there are other families out there doing the same thing we are in the National guard so it’s not like there are any around me.

My husband just posted that he’s excited about it. And I feel like oh he’s excited to leave us. I know it’s more of an anxious excitement. He’s just ready to jump in and go and is tired of it looming. But that’s the way it feels. It feels like him saying he’s excited is like saying he loves the Army more than us.

Maybe I will go cry in the laundry room while I’m folding the mountain of clothes waiting for me. The sight of all that laundry would make anyone cry. So I would have an excuse.