TOXIC RELATIONSHIP (post continued in comments)

Okay so I originally posted this to vent and get some words of kindness and hope and maybe some advice but not on how to leave my husband because we have a plan in action honestly I’m not really in the position to leave him nor am I ready (emotionally) for it. A little background (not all of it- that would be another whole post in itself) we’ve been together nearly a decade, married for almost seven years and have three beautiful babies (three year old boy, almost two year old girl and a nine month old girl) we are also pregnant again- I’m just under three months. I’d like to start by sayin it hasn’t always been this way. B

He used to be a wonderful husband and he’s a loving father albeit neglectful in his responsibilities (he works long hard days and when he gets home the kids are either in bed or he is just not in the mood for anything other than playing with him. When I say neglecting responsibilities I mean literally all things house and child related falls in me and me alone. He doesn’t like cleaning, shopping, changing diapers or giving showers it’s strictly fun stuff with the kids.

The problems with our relationship started about seven years ago right after his mom died- she was using and lost consciousness in her bathtub and drowned. That changed him for life. He started drinking insane amounts of liquor and beer taking pills, eventually he started cheating on me with at least three people. One particular circumstance took place in our apartment with me there. I didn’t know at the time obviously. He fought with me a lot but I was young and dumb and in love. He was my first and still is the only person I’ve ever been with and I don’t ever see that changing even if we can’t work things out because this relationship has given me such terrible ptsd. He came clean about everything to me sans specifics about who he had done things right before leaving for basic training. He also tried to set up a threesome with me the night before he left even though he knew how much against it I was this was after letting him quit his job a month before leaving so he could be as little stressed as possible. I gave him all my money blindly thinking he was paying bills only to find out he literally spent it all on drugs and alcohol. His father ended up getting us caught up on everything right before my husband left. Basically I never saw a dime of my money that year. He left with the intention of ghosting me. When I said goodbye to him for the last time he was so cold I was sure we were over.

He left and nothing happened for the first two weeks. I worked and barely ate I was never a big drinker but I stopped entirely. I dropped literally 20 lbs in 2 weeks I was so depressed. All I did was walk, work and lived off of coffee.