I don’t know where to start. Having a child has always been at the forefront of my mind, so when my husband I found out we were pregnant a month ago, I couldn’t stop crying with relief and excitement.

I should have suspected something was wrong. I kept telling my mum that I didn’t feel pregnant. I kept taking pregnancy tests and I couldn’t believe each positive result. Slowly, I relaxed into it. I went to my first antenatal appointment t which put me at almost nine weeks, and then a week later my world crashed.

It was a Sunday morning. I was laying in bed reading a book when I felt a warmth. I stood up and didn’t want to believe it. I reached down and screamed out to my husband. He was across the room in seconds and pulling my hand aside. He could see the light spotting and I started crying hysterically. He helped me get ready and we drove to emergency.

While there, they ran tests, checked me over and even found a Fetal heartbeat with a bedside ultrasound. It was the most perfect and beautiful sound I have ever heard. I was released later that morning and I just had to come back for the Anti D vaccine due to my negative blood type.

Afterwards, we went to Coles, and I started feeling really unwell. Like my body was screaming “something is wrong!” I leaned against the self serve checkout and told my husband I had to sit down.

I collapsed within seconds and lost consciousness, but not before I felt a gush of blood. I was having tremors, I felt cold and the paramedics took me to hospital.

I was there for several hours. Blood continued to pool around me and when the obstetrician came in to check me, gush after gush of blood came. She tried to find the Fetal heartbeat, and the silence was deafening. When the second doctor wheeled the ultrasound equipment away, the obstetrician put her hand on me and said that she couldn’t find the heartbeat, but it didn’t mean it wasn’t there. “But” she said gently “the amount of blood does make me suspicious that it’s a miscarriage. I’m so sorry.”

I froze. I wailed. I broke down.

I was given the option to stay in hospital or go home and I opted to go home. I had an ultrasound the following day and would know then.

My ultrasound experience was hell. I was distraught (but attempting to hold it together) and I asked the radiographer to tell us if she saw a heartbeat. She said that she couldn’t say if it was a miscarriage and I said I understood, but I just wanted to know if there was a heartbeat. I started getting teary but was composed and twice she told me that I needed to stay calm and not get too upset because it makes it hard for her.

I just turned to her, my blood boiled and I said “but it’s my baby.”

How dare she be so selfish! How dare she tell me not to be upset when my child has died inside of me.

At the end of the scan, she deadpan said “no heartbeat today” and said take the time you need.

I waited for her to leave and broke down into gutteral screams and wails. Shaking and holding onto my husband as though I’d shatter into thousands of pieces.

I was pulling my pants on three minutes later when she knocked and told me her next patient had arrived.

My husband collected all my things. Passed me the car keys and told me to go straight to the car while he organised payment. I sat in the car frozen, devastated with tears rolling down my face, nose dropping and I felt broken.

The day was a blur after that. I had to go to the hospital and was given the option of D&C, medication or natural and I opted for medication.

The medication hit me quickly and within an hour I was writhing in the bathroom floor. I couldn’t speak or say anything coherent, so Kevin called the ambulance. They insisted on taking me to hospital and once I was there, the kindness and compassion began to help me heal. I passed my baby, and was given Fentanyl, oxycodone, and was released several hours later.

It’s now the second day after my induction. I have a scan today to see how I have progressed.

My ten week old baby, Grace, will never be forgotten. She will be in our hearts for a lifetime. My first pregnancy, my first baby, now my baby angel.