I’ve been careless and I need to vent.

I know this is my fault, I’m not looking for advice or for anyone to shame me. I just needed to put it out there somewhere. I know posting on the internet opens me up to criticism either way.

I’m 23 and my fiancé is 27. We have two boys who are 18 months apart. 2 under 2! It has been hard. We planned to have them close in age, but pretty much everyone assumes our second was an accident. Our parents have slipped up and made comments about it before. It makes me feel awful. We are financially stable and live in a nice home. I stay home with them. My last pregnancy was very difficult. I struggle with severe depression and anxiety that I never addressed before. I had to be medicated towards the end of my pregnancy. I’m still not doing well, but I met with a therapist today. I’ll be going to one on one therapy, group therapy, and seeing doctors and psychiatrists. I’ve always been so scared to open up, but I finally have because I want to be the best mom I can be. I haven’t been good. I’m always so frustrated and have no patience. Anyway, to the main point of this post. My baby is 4 months old. My OBGYN told me that it would probably be best if I gave my body a break from all the hormones and advised I use condoms for a while. I was down with that because I am not comfortable with the birth control options available anymore. My husband and I have had unprotected sex on several occasions in the past month. We were “playing it safe” by only doing that right before and towards the end of my period, but we just had our first weekend alone together since our first child was born. It was great. We had amazing sex. But again, we were careless. He has ejaculated inside of me 3-4 times since my last period. We both know the risks. We thought we didn’t want anymore kids, but we have changed our minds in the last couple months. I need to be healthy mentally before we actually try though. I am also obese, I’ve been lucky that my pregnancies went as smoothly as they did. We are not ready for another baby right now. My second pregnancy was harder and I think it’s because they were close together. I imagine my body is pretty low on the vitamins I need to have another healthy pregnancy right away. I don’t think I’d be able to handle the judgment from people if I did get pregnant again so soon. I had easy labor and deliveries with both of my children, but I really don’t want to press my luck right away. Having babies close together increases a lot of risks. I think I’m psyching myself out and feeling pregnancy symptoms because I’m so worried about it. Glow says I would have ovulated this week, but I don’t think it’s accurate. My cycles are irregular. I got pregnant with my second right after my period ended. I have tested in case that happened again, negatives so far. My period is still about a week and a half away, so I’m trying not to worry about it right now but it’s hard. I have the worst anxiety. I am supposed to be getting help for my depression right now. Finding medication that can help. Things that probably wouldn’t be recommended to a pregnant woman. I’m on a medication right now that can increase the risk of heart defects in the early stages of pregnancy and I will be worried about that too. We got pregnant both times during the first month. I’ve never had a miscarriage. I know we are extremely lucky. We have been so careless though and I feel awful about it. I don’t think I could go through with an abortion, especially knowing that we made a baby simply because we were being careless. Not because birth control failed or something like that. If you happened to read this, thank you. Really needed to get this off my chest.