Emotional wreak - feeling devastated - 5w6d

Hi All,

I have debated about posting this on here, because I know it may not go down well with many. So disclaimer up front I am pregnant and feel completely devastated about it.

I’m looking for some hope or words of comfort or some help to understand why I feel like this.

All I ask is if you decide to read and reply please be kind, I’m struggling at the moment and I don’t know what to do. I am asking for help not judgement.

So I am 34 and married a wonderful man in January this year. From the first day I met my husband he has talked about wanting kids, he loves babies, so often he talks about starting a family and all the things he wants to do with his kids. Me...well children have always been something I figured one day I would want and it then naturally happen. But I’ve always been very relaxed about the idea, if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t. I’ve never got clucky over children or babies, yes I love a cuddle with friends babies but then happy to hand them back and I don’t give it a second thought. I have just always thought that one day that will change and I’ll start feeling clucky and that’s when I’ll be ready to have a baby. But as more and more friends have babies and share stories it has put me more and more off the idea.

So we returned from honeymoon in March and there are commitments we have coming up, so we postpone trying and talk about trying later in the year. So we say September to start ‘not not trying’ aka stop using protection but not give it much thought. All my friends tell me how hard it was for them to fall pregnant, how not to wait too long to start because it can take years. I read on the community pages about so many ladies out there desperately trying and not getting pregnant. I thought I was buying myself some time to get use to the idea.

Honestly I didn’t take unprotected sex seriously, I figured my husband would be happy that we were trying but I wouldn’t really have to think about this for at least 6+ months, when maybe we then started paying a bit more attention to ovulation etc.

We have our second wedding reception in the UK in October, a long weekend in a wine region in Nov, a trip to Japan in December, a friends wedding in April and a concert in May. All things we are super excited about, that we couldn’t wait to do.

I fell pregnant the 4th day we had unprotected sex. The morning after, something felt different but I brushed it aside thinking I was being ridiculous. 2 weeks later my period hadn’t come and I checked my app and realised I was late.

I did a test and it was positive, which I convinced myself was wrong, so I did another one the next morning, also positive and I also refused to believe it. I showed my husband and he was ecstatic and I said we needed to go to the doctors because the tests are wrong. Blood test came back positive.

That was a week ago and I have cried my eyes out every day since. I am devastated to be pregnant and I don’t think I want this baby. Our first ultrasound is in 12 days and I’m dreading it.

Through all the crying I’ve done a lot of soul searching, I’ve never thought I would be a good mum and I’ve said this to so many people over the years. I wouldn’t want a child to have me as a mother. I guess that is why I’ve always been blasé about children, deep down I figured I just would never have them, because I’m the wrong kind of person for it. I don’t like my personality and although this year I have tried to focus on self love, I don’t consider myself to be a nurturing person. I’m not really sure why my friends like me and often think I’m just ‘that friend’ that everyone has but deep down doesn’t actually like.

I’m completely torn about what to do. Whatever decision I make is irreversible and I risk either breaking my husbands heart or breaking my own.

I am in an incredibly negative headspace at the moment, very resentful and emotional and very low. I have tried to talk to my husband about how I am feeling, all he says ‘you’re be a great mum, we are in this together, we will do this together’. But at the moment I don’t want to do this together, I don’t want to do this at all.

Is this just fear of the unknown and hormones? Or a much deeper issue that I need some professional counselling for?