A year ago today I got two pink lines. I couldn’t believe it. It was the greatest joy I’ve ever known and brought me to tears. I tested three more times. One more was positive, two were negative. I was confused, but knew I was pregnant because I could definitely feel it. I told myself it must just be too early for some of the tests to pick up, but something in me said I shouldn’t get too excited. The next day the lines were gone. It was over as fast as it began. I was still in denial until the blood work came back. That phone call was devastating and it’s the hardest I think I’ve ever cried. For a while I cried every day, then maybe once a week, then just on the first day of my period, then just occasionally. It still comes in waves, but the waves aren’t as strong or often these days. I’ve been trying to fill my life with other purposeful things. Something about it being a year though.... there’s a lot of emotion there and it’s a big wave. Sadness and pain at the memory losing my greatest joy, gratitude for having even a moment of it, exhilaration that my body actually ovulated unmedicated that cycle and hopeful for the implications of that, heartbreak for the realization that my baby would be three months old now, peace and comfort that it’s been a year and I’m still going and getting stronger everyday, gratitude for God for getting me through the hardest time of my life, a blend of fear and hope for the future, wondering if it will ever happen, becoming more accepting of the fact that my path to motherhood may be quite long, but determined to make it... love for the tiny little life that existed for a blink of an eye... peace through Christ that there is more to my story... But I will cry. I will mourn what might have been. But I will also remind myself that I’ve made it 365 days since then, when I wasn’t even sure how I’d get through 1. And so many of those days have been happy, when I wasn’t sure if I could ever smile again. So I’ll hang on to that and be grateful. But there’ll still be tears. And that’s okay.