I'm sorry that this is all over the place... I just wanted to write down my thoughts...

So, last Wednesday, I had lunch with my boyfriend of 6 months. Not knowing it would be the last time I got to call him that... He was really sweet. He didn't want me to cry and he didn't want me to be upset or mad. I was sobbing the whole time. I told him that I knew what he meant, but wouldn't believe it until he actually said it. So he said: "I think we would be better as friends." I just started bawling. He said that he would understand if I hated him. With tears streaming down my face in the middle of Pizza Hut, I choked out that I could never hate him. (I don't know if I loved him, but it's a very real possibility) It just totally broke my heart.

Our relationship wasn't "normal". He didn't even kiss me in the 6 months of us being together. (Looking back now, that was actually a blessing in disguise because he would've been my first kiss. Now, I can save it for somebody else.) He told me that he was waiting it out to see if he ever felt anything more for me, and he just didn't. Which, yes... That really sucked to hear. But he knew if he just kept waiting and if he never developed feelings for me, it would only hurt me more. Which as he stated multiple times, was not his intention.

It's been a rough few days for me. I have cried and cried and cried. I know I'm not the first to go through a break up. (And I know I won't be the last) but it was MY first breakup which really tore me apart inside.

I bowl on Wednesday nights. I knew that if I didn't go and bowl like I normally did, I would have an even more difficult time getting over him. So, I went and bowled. I was really quiet. And if you knew me, you would know that's not normal. My teammates asked me if I was ok. I said: "No, but if I talk about it I'll start crying." One of my teammates is like the big sister I never had. She would fight to the death for me. She knew exactly what was wrong. Later in the evening, she asked me if I wanted her to beat him up. I told her no, because he was really sweet and he is still my best friend. Then I started to feel myself starting to cry, and said I didn't want to talk about it. She understood and redirected the conversation to the game.

I was really proud of myself, because I only let one tear out the whole time at bowling. And it was when I was up bowling. I feel bad for my mom though. Basically any time I saw her, I would just lose it. I would have tears streaming down my face and couldn't control myself for a solid 10 minutes at a time. And everytime I calmed down enough to talk, I would talk about him and just lose it again.

My teammate(sister) and I went bowling the next 2 days together as well. As the days went on, I was able to open up more about it without totally losing it. So, I explained what happened to her.

At first, I text him very minimal because I thought he wanted space. But then(because of anxiety), I sent him a text asking if he was still my best friend. He said: "Of course." Then I text him again(of course because of my anxiety again) and asked him if he would be ok with me texting him like I used to. Because it really sucks not texting your best friend. He said that he still wants to be really good friends. And that he doesn't mind my annoying texts. He told me that I'm strong. I had been doing really good and not crying that day, but those texts made me cry again. That time was a happy cry though. Because I knew, at that point, that he still cares about me.

He is still my best friend. He will always be my best friend. We still text everyday. I know that he still really cares about me. And yes, it's been tough transitioning from being in a relationship with him to just being friends. But he's my supporter. He has always and will always be there for me.

If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read my drama. Like I said at the beginning, I just needed to write things down to get my composure.