Please forgive me if this gets long... I am dealing with hormonal insomnia and need to get it all out....

This year started out with excitement, we had been TTC for over 2 years, had never gotten pregnant, and decided it was time to move forward with <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>. I was scared and hopeful. After various delays, countless injections, and uncomfortable procedures we transferred our 1st embryo in June. 10 days later we got a positive, it was low but doubled... we were ecstatic. I was due on my 37th birthday. Just shy of 6 weeks I started bleeding and an ultrasound confirmed the pregnancy wasn't viable.

I cried for 2 weeks straight and dealt with the crazy hormonal waves for additional weeks. I read everything I could and talked to my dr about protocols and future transfers... but no one was worried about future tries, it was most likely the embryo, we had 3 more frozen, so relax and prepare for transfer 2.

So we transferred our second embryo in September. I was terrified... I started taking tests and was getting faint positives, but they weren't getting darker. I went in for my first beta with no hope... it came back lower than the 1st pregnancy... I cried that weekend and went in expecting my second beta to be lower.... it more than doubled. We thought nothing of it based on last time and just tried to stay calm and not get our hopes up. So a few more tests...still on the low end and I went in for my first ultrasound... and we were able to see a yolk sack and everything measured perfect.. I started to get a little excited. 4 days later I started bleeding. I went in expecting a miscarriage to find out that I had a small hematoma and we could see a heartbeat. Dr wasnt too concerned about the hemotoma, so relax and wait. Had another appt, perfect measurements and a heart bear. I made it to 7 weeks and started to relax a little and be a little happy. 2 days later I started bleeding.... so I tried to relax... it was probably the last of the hematoma. I took a nap, bleeding went away... we went out for a relaxing dinner and talked about my due date, plans for telling our family and friends, and baby names.... and 4 hours later I had bleeding and cramping... it was all over the next morning.

I was so cautious and held back any excitement... I was realistic about low numbers.... and kept getting these little glimmers of hope...maybe we'd finally have our baby after years of waiting and all the tests and money and the "don't you want kids" and all of the pregnancy announcements and baby showers for literally everyone we know.... and I am crushed again.

Why?!?! What did we do to deserve this? What is wrong with me? Will it ever happen? Is it time to give up? Is it wrong that I want to keep trying?

So we tell ourselves... well at least I wasn't further along or at least I didnt need medical intervention... How is that a compromise? Why do we try to rationalize... we lost our baby...our chance at the life we have dreamed of...again.

It's just not fair....

Infertility is awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone... but failing to stay pregnant is absolutely devastating.

I think of and pray for everyone who belongs to this group frequently. I hope you find comfort and peace. Thanks for letting me "get it all out". ❤