A bit of a rant, I mostly typed this out to get the thoughts out of my head, but thanks if you read and even more thanks if you comment.

My fiance used to have a best friend and we'd all hangout, smoke weed and sometimes do acid together. So we were close as friends. We are all open minded (and bi) and we actually did have threesomes a few times. The last time, he visited us 600 miles away where we moved. He stayed maybe 2 weeks. I told both of them I was possibly polyamorous and discussed it with friend often. We were all on good terms when he left us but it was on an odd note and we stopped communicating a couple weeks after. I started to understand how harmful this person was to my mental wellbeing because he made himself out to seem special to me but he was just using us as a couple. He would say things to me and my fiance in private but act totally different in real life. This all happened a little over a year ago.

We recently moved back into the hometown where friend lives. I have ptsd from birth and some things trigger me. Im scared to go places I know he used to work, or live. I want to see him again. I miss him. I believe my heart has the potential to be poly and so does my fiance. He knows i follow him on soundcloud, weirdly and funnily enough. He posts music he makes and recently posted a beautiful guitar song with him singing. I cried. I still havent talked to him.

Last night I had a vivid dream. We ran into friend and he had his own baby and was incredibly happy to see us. It was all so weird. I woke up and told my fiance because i was distraught and he didnt have a reaction.

Ive really grown as a person, and mother. Im ready to forgive friend and hope for the same in return. I know i only want love and pure thoughts in my life. I also know my fiance and i are incredibly open and fluid and he knows i wanted this other person to be in our life. There was a reason they were best friends for years and years. I just wish I knew how to reconnect.