We planned for our son. We were so excited and my husband is an amazing father. Our son is 17 months old and an incredible child. We have been blessed in so many ways.

Yet I am not happy. I haven’t felt truly happy since he was born.

Pregnancy resulted in me having a life long, incurable, health condition. I’ve done every treatment option possible but remission remains out of reach. I am in maintenance, so no current treatment, but it is a heavy load to bear. For the first six months of our son’s life, he went with me to weekly appointments, I was hospitalized three times for up to a week, lost the use of my arm, had a two month migraine, and had an organ removed. I didn’t get to enjoy being a new mom.

My body is not my body. I understood it would change, but medical condition aside, I didn’t anticipate this much self loathing. I had a c-section (under general anesthesia). My ass is flat. My breasts are flabby (they fall out of my bra when I lay sideways). My stomach sticks out. I’m covered in stretch marks and can’t jump onto the proud stripes wagon. I have two chins. My hair won’t hold color, although it is finally growing back. I weigh less than before I became pregnant but my clothes still don’t fit. Nothing is comfortable. I dread having to find something to wear and all day how hideous I am in on my mind. I am so uncomfortable being around people thinking they are judging me for not bouncing back (all of our friends did).

I miss my life. I miss having time alone to read or craft or put together a puzzle. I miss having a meal that’s not inhaled, cold, or at 9 pm. It doesn’t help that my job is the worst it’s been in 8 years. I come home exhausted every day and then have to entertain our son who whines a lot and we don’t know what he wants because he doesn’t talk. When he goes to bed, I go to bed shortly after. Alone.

My husband is amazing but our marriage has taken a huge hit. We used to enjoy one another’s company. We were playful and intimate. We laughed and cheered on football. Now we’re both tired and irritated (we have the same employer so we both bring home a lot of stress). He used to compliment me. He doesn’t anymore. I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t compliment me either. But it’s hard. It’s hard to know he deserves and wants better. It’s hard to be roommates and not spouses.

It’s hard to dread every day.

It’s hard to not be happy.