I had sex with a guy I really like recently, we’ve been seeing each other for a while and are really comfortable with each other. I’ve been dealing with some issues surrounding sex and mental health but have just recently been made aware of the idea of repressed memories and sexual trauma; although I don’t have any memory of being abused, I’ve been told that a lot of what I experience correlates with that. I’m working on seeking help for my mental illness and other symptoms.

I’ve had a lot of sex with this guy in the past and felt comfortable with him since the beginning. Unfortunately I experience painful sex with him, I’ve gone to a gynecologist to make sure there wasn’t another source to the pain and everything was normal. I have also never had an orgasm (I’m 20). The only time I had what I think is an orgasm was by using a vibrator last weekend, while it felt good at times the orgasm itself was super unpleasant for me. So now I was with this guy, and while we were having sex I realized I began internally panicking. I felt unsafe. I swear I felt like it wasn’t him I was having sex with and was on the verge of tears. It reminded me of a time this summer; I was having sex with a completely different guy. I wasn’t really down to have sex but I did it anyways (this was also a guy I had been sleeping with multiple times so I was familiar with him). While we were having sex I remember I had a painful experience and felt a sharp pain in my abdomen. I started to feel panicky but after a while felt myself dissociating. I felt so disgusting I started to cry. This recent experience brought me back to a similar place.

Back to this latest experience: I had to mentally repeat to myself that I was having sex with this guy I liked a lot and that I should be enjoying it because it’s him! I’m just so confused and disappointed in myself. I’m so attached to him. If I like this guy so much and trust him so much why can’t I feel safe or have fun during sex with him?? Poor guy was also trying so hard to make me come at one point but it was just not working out. He knows I haven’t been having orgasms and I feel so bad.

Is there anything I can do to help with this issue? How do I take that comfort I have when I’m around him into the bedroom? Any advice would be so appreciated❤️