This might be long and I might not even post it but I feel like it will make me feel better so here I go.

All my life I was very certain of one thing... I NEVER wanted children. Then as I started to have sex (I was 17) something weird started to happen and I can’t explain it but I’ll try my best. I would have protected sex and then afterwards be scared that I was still pregnant anyways. Mix the fear of being pregnant with irregular periods and your result will be “taking pregnancy tests every month around when my period is due” well this is the weird thing that I can’t explain.... something in me would be disappointed when the test would show negative???? Even though I DID NOT want children. (Has this happened to anyone else?) but yeah that went on until I turned 18 and went to planned parenthood and got literally EVERYTHING to stay child free. I got the arm implant (I don’t recommend it, it broke my skin out I looked like a crunch bar lol) I got a bag full of condoms and even 2 plan b pills. I was so proud of myself do doing what I had to do to make sure that my future was going to be a “good” one. I felt so powerful that I had control of my body. But then I ended up taking out the arm implant because of all the bad side affects and I went on the pill. The thing about the pill is that it’s up to YOU to take it. Keep that in mind for later. So I went along with my life taking my pill..... but then I found out about the world of “family vloggers” and that sort of gatewayed me into mommy YouTube. That’s when I discovered the world of teen mom vloggers. By this point I was still 18. I would religiously watch videos like “18 and pregnant” “what’s in my hospital bag” “baby boy/girl haul” and just all kinds of stuff like that. And they made it look glamorous. They make it look super easy and I was being more and more drawn to that lifestyle every day. As I turned 19 I was starting to do stupid things like “forget” to take my pill one night. Or I would take my pill and then feel “sick” so I would go make myself throw up. (In hopes that I threw up my pill) I know... I know. I was drinking dumb bitch juice by the gallon. But still... I didn’t get pregnant. Soon I was coming close to finishing my first year of college and I had what might be the dumbest idea I’ve ever had. I thought “I’m so close to finishing the year and I’m gonna be getting my fafsa check (like 600 bucks 😂) so I would stop taking my pills, get pregnant, and then just use my fafsa check that was only 600 bucks to buy all my baby’s things... it would totally work duhhhhh. God bringing this up is really showing me the stupid ass mindset I was in and how idiotic I was being. But anyways.... so I did it. But I didn’t want to be a complete liar. So I told my boyfriend that the pill was giving me bad side affects even though it cleared my skin and made me less moody🙄 but yeah while we’re talking about my boyfriend, he was always breaking up with me and he even cheated on me once. My parents didn’t like him, and his mom didn’t really like me because I would constantly come over without asking her if it was ok and I would spend like 3 days at a time at her house in my boyfriends room having sex 🙄🙄🙄 god typing it all out really makes me feel like the dumbest person on the planet. But anyways yeah, our relationship was not the best. But I still thought it would be the perfect time to get pregnant!!!😆 So yeah anyways I got off the pill and told my BF it was because of the bad side affects. Then I started really trying to get pregnant. I’m still 19 at this part btw. I went on glow and found out how to track when I was ovulating. Then I told my BF that I wanted to have sex without a condom even though he strongly wanted to be safe and use a condom since he knew I wasn’t on the pill anymore. But I “seduced/manipulated” him into not using one. Then I would constantly tell him to cum in me as we were going and he would. I guess he was being hella stupid too🤷🏽‍♀️ after a few times of cuming in me over a 2 day time spand my bf started to get nervous and told me to take a plan b. I said I would but I never did. but yeah as it got closer to my period coming my bf was starting to ask if i got my period yet. The day before I was supposed to get my period I bought a pregnancy test. I had only been off the pill for 1 month. I went to spend the night at my bfs house that night. The next morning I didn’t get my period. So I took the test before he woke up. At first there was nothing and I feel disappointed. So I washed my hands and went to throw it away but there it was... BAM two dark pink lines. My heart started to race as I finally started to let it sink it. I told my BF and he instantly brought up abortion. I said no way and we broke up a few days later. We ended up talking it through and we got married. We had no money though so my now mother in law offered for me to move in rent free. As my belly got bigger it started to dawn on me that oh fuck I’m not going to have the freedom that I’ve always had. I won’t be able to do spur of the moment trips or randomly go out at night or just chill all day on my day off. I started to realize that all the teen moms on YouTube actually had it really hard and they were just glamorizing the shit out of their lives. But the reality is.... it’s not a fairy tail. The bigger I got the more depressed I became. I never got a job after finishing school and I didn’t go back the next semester so I would just hang out at home all day. When I was about 8 months pregnant I started to think maybe I should just kill myself once the baby is born. I talked to my husband about it but he never made me feel better. He’d just say stuff like “you just gotta get yourself out of that mindset” he’s never been depressed.... if it wasn’t obvious by his advice. I gave birth and instantly I felt like I had control of my body again but I ended up getting severe postpartum depression and psychosis. It got to a breaking point and I ended up in a mental hospital for 14 days on a 52/50. When I came home I was mentally better (I was on anti psychotics) things were good for a while but eventually got bad again. But not nearly as bad as they were before the hospital visit. Now I feel like I’m in a weird limbo. A period in life between being a total idiot, and trying to do better with my life. But now it’s so much harder. My husband and I are in a much healthier relationship. We talk through any issues we have without being rude, loud, or hurtful. We’re still at my mother in laws (I moved in a year and a half ago, baby is gonna be 10 months old soon) but I want my own place. I’m a sahm and my husband works 6 days a week 9 hours a day. I take almost 100% care of the baby since he’s usually tired when he comes home. I also do all of the cooking and cleaning. Plus we started splitting the rend and all other bills with his mom. I know w got it good. But sometimes I feel so trapped. I would love to go back to college and get at least my associates, but we can’t afford child care and nobody is available to watch him. I want to try online. I guess I just needed to say all of this to know what I need to do. But I still feel so lost😥😞😔 if you actually read all of this ten please take my mistakes and learn from them. I know I’m trying to learn from them every day.....