[Warning: Very Very Long Drama]

My husband and I have always had issues but we work through it. Weve split up a totall of 3 times before marriage. And they've made things a lot difficult lemme tell ya. 1st time he promised to be better if i came back and fitting our split the day before i said i would be with him he slept with someone and now forever has hpv. I took him back. This was however when he first really just broke my heart. It's been turmoil since. We broke up again a year later and once again the promise was there but i caught him cuddling another girl he said he wouldn't get close to and some other drama via this girl. I took him back. Then I left cause I thought i could have something else with someone i thought would be fun and leave all the hurt and bad memories behind. We were together 3months but as this other man would put it my current husband had a huge role in us splitting. As the story goes me and this man would fight and such and my current husband/ex at the time would play hero. Which now i can see to be true. Needless to say i left him for my ex. So 2months with being with my ex i find out im pregnant and my ex and i are still on rocks so i know it's not his...

But when i thought about the man i was with he was a gentle man wise but a stoner and a gamer 💁 not what i envisioned the father of my child. So me and this man would fight so so bad i cried myself to sleep for 6months straight. Severely depressed and 3months pregnant though i married my now husband because i was hurt and feared a custody battle i wouldn't win alone and at the time no one was supporting me other than my husband. Emotionally physical and financial. So im here now. But i am not happy. The turmoil I've gone through with my husband has left my heart numb to him and he's working so hard to be good it hurts me to say his efforts are appreciated but not reciprocated. Im numb. There are still many things i dislike about my husband and we've been through so much already i cant bring myself to tolerate it without being angry all day. Now, my baby daddy insists i never gave him a chance. I asked him to no longer smoke to do more than game all day. Yes he has a job. And yes i can admit i ran so fast because i didn't know what to do i was scared and hella immobilizing hormonal where my rash ideas led me here. Now i have my reasons for this but i do know he was trying he started to only smoke one day out of the week. Along with more movies than screaming at the tv with friends. But the fighting has hurt me just as much as my husband messing with someone else and catching something. I can give into the thought it was because i was pregnant but i feel the weight of these actions strongly. Now I mean my husband trys to act his hardest and be perfect for me and my son aside of him being socially unacceptable and his distasteful mannerisms. He caters to me and hand and foot. Sweet guy really loves me. But i do feel i didn't give my baby daddy a Chance and i keep asking the what if would i be happier there he's a lot cleaner he can conduct himself in public yeah i wouldn't have a person "butler" kinda thing to help with my son but maybe i could have something better and nicer. It's hard to because i will always have to be in contact with my baby's father 💁 the man is still very stubborn. But i don't know. They've both left a scar and im so lost. Any word of wisdom would help me right now, anything