*Long post alert*

I’ve been with my fiancé for five years now and he was such a lovely guy at first, for about 6 months. Then he’s began to get possessive and stop me from going out and seeing friends or would lose it with me if I come home an hour late or whatever. This would lead to him smashing up my stuff, screaming at me, verbal abuse calling me a slag, fat, ugly and that I’d never do anything in life and began with slight physical abuse that went from pushes to dragging me about by my hair. One night we were out and he pushed me over so I called the police. After that I had a months restraining order against him and following that he cried, sobbed and said he’d never do it again.

After that, our relationship was perfect and it seemed like he’d changed. He is less possessive now, however, he has over time, become a codeine addict along with other substances. The abuse has began to creep in again as he’s beginning to name call and push me again, and if he doesn’t get his codeine (he does cold water extractions) he will lose his head, the second he gets it he is fine. He says if I get him it this day (from the chemist) he will begin to ween himself off it. He’s promised 100 times that he will quit and never has. His family normalise drugs to the point where his uncle sold him coke for a couple of months, and then a year later turns out he spent 4 months rent money on coke with his friend who owned a garage whilst I struggled to pay rent, and bills, including his and put food in our mouths and petrol in the car.

He’s just finished his masters degree and refuses to work over 20 hours a week, whilst I work 50 and he expects me to cook everything, clean and put movies on whilst wash his clothes. We are struggling with money and over the years I have gotten myself into debt as he has not supported us, I’ve needed extra money (in the thousands over the years) and my credit is ruined, even now, he spends £5 a day on co-codamol, which is at least £140 a month. I admit there’s things I could do better but he blames everything on me and says I disagree with him on everything. Recently he has started pushing me again, scary driving and threatening me with the boiling water out of the kettle or hurting the cats. Yet, he has been bringing up how he wants a baby?

He has such a short temper, to the point where a glass tipping over will make him scream and shout, so he’d never ever be able to deal with a baby that won’t stop crying.

I love him so much despite everything; I sadly see him for who/what he COULD be and not what he is... and that’s the issue. I feel so trapped by my own emotions. I don’t know what I am expecting by writing this post, I just needed to vent and maybe get some words of wisdom from others, or even sympathy.

No nasty comments please 😭