Hi all, blank year old here. Please note that it is not my intentions at all to come across ungrateful at all to the woman who raised me, she is and always will be the person who raised me and I’m still grateful for that.

A little backstory on my situation is that my mother is my legal guardian, I was left in her hands after my mother and father were unfit to raise me. My mother was 39 at the time living with her mother, and was never planning on having children herself. This is something I have been hyper aware of since first finding out I was not biologically her child. Since that day, it has felt like every day of my life I have become a huge burden on her and that I’m lucky that she ever even agreed to take me in and that I made her give up her best years of life to raise me.

My childhood was an okay one, growing up there was a lot of traumatic events I faced that I would eventually block out and black out entire chunks of my childhood (realizing this through various therapies) which caused a lot of distress as a child. We were poor, and homeless at one point, moving in with family even to have to save money to get our own place. I have always felt like I was raising myself, I had no support from my mother really. I had to learn and teach myself everything, how to read and write and solve homework problems, how to cook and clean, and fend for myself. I had to cry to myself at night, pick myself up and dust myself off as my mother would always be unavailable or belittle the way I was feeling. Because of this, I feel no real affection between us.

It only recently became worse just a few years ago when I started high school. At the end of my 8th grade year my mother and my aunt got into a fight, my aunt revealing that my mother used to be a druggie (she swears she isn’t but does have a lot of druggie friends she visits often or has come over). This seemed to be a large tipping point for our relationship. In the past few years, there has been an absolute breakdown of our relationship.

My mother will throw entire temper tantrums, where she will wail and fake cry and scream and yell for my name because she cannot find the tv remote or doesn’t want to get up to turn the light off, these are things I will quickly rush downstairs to do for her but she will only wail and yell even louder when I’m down helping her. This really stresses me out because I don’t like her yelling and screaming. I will simply do what she wants and return back upstairs to my room, I will tell her she’s welcome and if she needs me to call again. She will usually try to guilt me by saying that I don’t love her or I hate doing things for her, sometimes calling me a stupid little bitch or some other name for no reason. My mother has guilted me out of getting in contact with my biological family ( a sibling of mine reached out to me ) by telling me if I talk to them then I’ll really have mental illness or a reason to hate life. So I had to block the sibling and not be in contact as all day long she kept making hurtful comments like that. When I leave home for short periods of time, she will go into my room and go through my things. I’ve had to start taking valuable objects out with me so that she does not take them and hide them or lose them. I truly feel like I’m becoming more of the parent in this relationship, I feel like there’s no more hope for ever having a real relationship between the two of us.

My mother recently threatened to kick me out multiple times over the summer, then saying she’d call the cops on me if I left and get me into permanent trouble. I’m planning on moving in with my boyfriends family once I turn 18 in a few months, to finish off the school year. I’m on track for early acceptance into out of state schools and going into pre-med for pediatrics. I’m an honors student with a part time job. However even this is not enough for my mother, she’s told me that she hopes I get pregnant and give her a grandchild soon and stay here to raise it. My mother doesn’t know yet about me moving out in a few months but I’m terrified of how she will react.

I have struggled with severe anxiety and insomnia since I was a child but my mother has refused me care, even not taking me to the doctors for 3 years so I couldnt say anything about how I was feeling. My mother doesn’t believe in mental health at all and simply says I’m weak.

What do you think I should do? Is there any hope for keeping her in my life, I feel guilty because she did raise me?