I've began typing and erased this letter to you a thousand times, never feeling like I can quite say just what I need to say. I know you no longer care about anything I have to say and that's completely okay, this letter is mainly for my own closure but I still hope that you read this.

When we met I had no intentions of falling for you, or anyone else. I was still trying to move and heal from all of the things I had left when I moved away from Champaign. Between the toxic relationship I had spent the past two years in and my sexual assualt, boys were the last thing on my mind. I'll admit I was probably way too drunk the night we met, but so were you and it made the conversation light. Light was what I needed. You kept talking to me and I was for some reason completely mesmerized by you, maybe it was your goofy demeanor or your smile. I could tell you didn't smile often but when you did it was contagious. We ended the night by me giving you my Snapchat and told you to message me sometime. However I got impatient and messaged you the next day.

Our friendship only grew from there, it quickly began to feel like all we did was talk about everything. Somewhere it grew a little bit past being friends and we began being intimate with our friendship. Even though I hadn't said anything to you yet, you were the only guy I was interested in. I think you had caught on though because you began to bring up us exploring the possibility of being together. You talked about how you hadn't been in a relationship for a long time and wanted to take things slow.

Slow was the exact opposite of what we did though. Conversations lead to talking about babies, getting a house and eventually getting married. Then one night after Shane's bonfire you asked me if I would be okay spending my life with you if I ever did end up pregnant with your child. I just smiled and said of course. Neither one of us knew I was already pregnant at that time.

The week leading up to finding out we were expecting was very hard and emotional for me. I had bought several tests, you know the ones that you can take up to 5 days early with, and took one 5 days early, 3 days early, 2 days early. They were all negative but I knew in every bone of my body that I was pregnant. After a night with my best friend I went home at 3 in the morning and decided to take a test. At this point I was already 2 days late and I was starting to think maybe I was wrong. I took my test and waited. That little positive popped up before the 3 minute mark was even over. I started crying because I was so happy. I just had to tell you even though you were gone on orders that week.

When you came home everything was perfect despite the issues I had going on at my job and home. You were home, we were expecting and we were finally together. That night I had let it slipped and I told you I loved you. I was terrified to tell you, to even feel like that. But you made me feel like everything would be okay because you were there next to me.

Now you've left and I'm fighting the overwhelming sense to cry my eyes out, to even think about you really.. But I want you to know that even though you've left and decided to no longer be with me or be there for our baby, your baby it's okay. Whatever the reason is, whether you just got cold feet or decided you made a mistake just know I'm not mad. I was. I was angry and hurt. But I'm not anymore, there's no use in being angry or in being hurt. It's not going to make you come back and all it does it is affect the baby and the baby doesn't deserve that. So even though I should probably hate you for leaving, I don't.

I actually want to thank you, for everything. For showing me that it's possible to be happy again, possible to love again. Mostly I thank you for giving me the greatest gift of all- our baby. I'll make sure he/she knows how much you love them and I'll play the song you sang to me for them.

I hope wherever you end up or whatever you end up doing that you're happy and safe. I hope you accomplish everything you've ever wanted to out of life and find the love that you so deserve. Thank you again for everything..

Love Always,

The mother of your child 💛