Well, so far 2019 has been a royal bitch.

I'm 21.

And on May 17th, I experienced what would later be called my first symptom of MS (major dizziness, couldn't walk bc of it, vomiting). Hospital stay 3 days.

A week later I returned to the hospital for 5 days bc I was still feeling like shit and had an added symptom - double vision.

They confirmed it's RRMS. Yay.

I started treatment way too late with Gilenya on July 25th bc my doctors weren't organizing shit.

On August 1st (!), relapse. My feet went numb. Hospital stay 5 days, my legs up to the thigh became numb. My buttcrack too. Took about a month to heal, now I can say I don't feel the numbness anymore.

BUT I get very weak in the legs and hips when I run or walk too fast, then I need to somehow wobble my way through the next 20 seconds until it's over. This is slowly getting better though.

Started the new treatment (Ocrevus) mid september with a better doctor. I thought all was going well but guess what

Now I have carpal tunnel syndrome. And on top of that, my right shoulder, my right back muscle (rib), and a bit of my right leg tensed up. My hand went numb. I can only see my doc this friday.

I am a pianist (studying, 2nd year BA) and can barely practice.I work as an organist in a church and had to find other people to play instead of me. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, my church, my chamber music partners. My body doesn't want to cooperate. I feel like the world is crumbling down and honestly I feel so helpless. I've prayed and prayed a million times to God to give me strength and heal soon but it feels like He can't hear me. I didn't tell my uni what's up but they see I miss classes and worry. I don't want to be seen any different way just bc of my illness. For the same reason I only told my parents about this and they help me soooo much.

But I don't know what to do anymore 😭 I'm getting so sad over this it's ridiculous. If anyone could help in any way, idk, a prayer, advice anything really... I'd appreciate it.

To whoever read so far, thank you and sorry for the long post.