Ok this is a long story so bear with me please

For years I’ve thought I was bisexual but now I’m starting to question my sexuality for the second time and I need some input from people who have gone through something similar.

I’m a freshman in college, and for the first time I’m really able to be with girls. When I was 16 my mom found out I was secretly dating a girl and banned me from ever speaking to her again and told me I wasn’t allowed to be gay until college. So because of that I exclusively dated guys, and subsequently lost my virginity to a guy. Now, sex with guys has never been all that enjoyable, but I thought that was normal. I’ve always been told that sex isn’t like it is in the movies so I thought it was normal to be incredibly underwhelmed, or even in pain. But then a few weeks ago I had sex with a girl for the first time and it changed everything for me. I mean, my arms went numb and I saw stars. When I’m with a guy there are so many things that turn me off. Eye contact and dirty talk would make me incredibly uncomfortable. Honestly even looking at him would freak me out. I would spend almost the whole time with my eyes closed or just had him hit it from behind because looking at him for too long would weird me out. But when I was with a girl it was so different. All the things that I hate about having sex with guys, I loved with her. And it started to make me think. Looking back, I realize that kissing guys has always felt just a little awkward and uncomfortable. When I was 16 I kissed a girl for the first time and she made my head spin and I swear my lips tingled for at least half an hour afterwards. I’ve never had that with a guy.

What makes me so confused though is that I’m still attracted to some guys. I mean Harry styles and Brendon Urie could GET IT. I have fallen in love with guys, and I like the idea of having sex with them but when it actually becomes a reality I’m just not that into it. I recently hooked up with a guy I had liked for years and I did not get even a little wet. He was doing all the things that would normally really turn me on, but I was the Sahara desert down there. As I do almost every time I have sex with a guy, I ended up just treating it like a job. I put on this porn charade and tried to get him of as quickly as I could so I could just go home. Since I couldn’t get wet, it was really painful and I ended up bleeding afterwards.

I actually had a long conversation with my lesbian aunt a few days ago and she said that the way I feel about having sex with guys isn’t really normal and it’s pretty similar to how it was when she would force herself to have sex with her ex husband. I was just wondering if anyone can relate to what I’m going through and give me some advice and input because I’m very confused.