So torn on what to do. I don’t have anyone to talk to other than my husband. I could really use some support and advice.

I feel extremely terrible about our situation. I could write a novel about the facts, but I’ll keep it short and straight to the point. I have 2 boys under 2 years old. My oldest is almost 2 and my youngest is 4 months old. I’m a 23 year old stay at home mom. They were both planned pregnancies. I’ve had a long battle with depression and anxiety. It got very much out of hand during my last pregnancy. I didn’t take care of myself or my child properly. I wanted to die. My pregnancy was the only thing keeping me alive at that point. I started medication during my 3rd trimester that seemed to help a bit, but I still had trouble functioning and was in an awful place. Once I gave birth, I felt alright for a little while. Things weren’t where they needed to be. I cried a lot. I figured that was normal postpartum hormones going wild though. I spoke with my doctor at my 4 week checkup and he more than doubled the dosage of my medicine. It made everything worse. I started hating my newborn. I wished he would die. I didn’t want any responsibilities. I didn’t want to wake up. My parents are here on a temporary job assignment, but will be leaving in March. They got here in June when my last son was born. They aren’t as helpful as I wished, but they’re here and I’m not so lonely. My husband works very long hours, 6 days a week. Our relationship has been a struggle for a while now because of all the stress on him and my mental health. My problems turned me into an extremely anxious, angry person who is always irritable. I regularly yelled at him and my little kids. They don’t deserve that. I feel like shit about it. I’ve been working hard on controlling it and being a better mom and partner. I asked him to please talk to my parents about the severity of the situation. They’ve been a little better and more helpful. I started going to therapy and saw a psychiatrist. I stopped taking my medicine about a week before I met with the psychiatrist. I have felt almost entirely normal since I quit my original medication. I haven’t started my new medication because of this. I planned to, but I had been feeling off so I decided to take a pregnancy test last week. I’m pregnant. This was entirely unplanned. I don’t think we can do 3 under 3. I mean, we could. We’d love this child and would make it work. But neither of us wanted this. It would add so much stress. It could make my mental health even worse. I need to be able to take care of myself and my children properly. I think looking at the facts, abortion would be the best decision for our family. But I just can’t imagine myself going through with it. I know what this little clump of cells could become. I know what all the stages of development are. I know that if we had to do this, we’d love the child. But I don’t see how I could go through another pregnancy right now. It was so hard on me last time. I just want to be a good mother and partner. I’ve had major problems bonding with my baby. I don’t even know if I’m totally attached to him yet and he’s 4 months old. But here I am pregnant with another. I’m so stressed out about this. My husband said he really doesn’t want another but will support my decision either way. He said we will love another child and do what we need to do. I think I’d always regret an abortion. But I just don’t know how I’d get through this again right now. My mental health is so fragile.