A little back story:

So back in April, I had to leave my job because I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. I worked at a casino and had a very nice job. I had to leave my job because I was a high risk pregnancy and smoking was allowed in the casino and was not okay for me to be exposed to. My coworker saw me turning in my stuff and asked why I was leaving. I quickly explained I was pregnant. His girlfriend also worked at the casino and he was concerned she would be “forced” to leave. I had to explain that I was high risk and all...

At 9.5 weeks I was told that I lost the baby. It was a living hell.

Then my former coworkers were constantly posting/sharing bump photos and would ask when I was going to post mine. I ignored it.

Fast forward now a few months:

Over text They then asked if I could make something for their baby for when they are born. I said yes. Then he asked how I was doing and if I was getting excited as I am (would have been) due in a month in a half. I didn’t reply. I didn’t know how to tell them I lost the baby months ago.

Since then, I have been stalking their Facebook as their baby would be due any day. And today was the day. I cried. I cried happy but sad tears. I am SO HAPPY they have a healthy beautiful little girl, but I am SO sad that I can’t experience that happiness with them. And after the sadness, I just am angry. Furious actually. But why!!!? I just want to be happy and have MY baby. But that isn’t going to happen at the moment.

I would have been 35 weeks pregnant today. But today, I am 25 weeks grieving. Is it ever going to get easier? I go to therapy once a week. I pray. I love and care for others. I do self care. But I am still sad. I am still angry with the world.

How can I go visit the new baby without feeling sad, angry, scared. I just want to be a good friend.