seasonal depression

so i’m making this to kinda vent. i need to get it out without really talking to someone personally about it.

i’ve had seasonal depression for 6 years going on 7. i’ve been clean of cutting for 3 years until 2 days ago.

seasonal depression always hits me really hard but at this point i can handle it. except this year it’s 10x worse. i haven’t really felt like i was going to kill myself until now. it’s been years since i’ve had this feeling and since i attempted. it’s so heavy on my chest and mind.

every year i push everyone away because it feels like everyone hates me. (it’s just a mind thing. i don’t know why it always happens) i never really talk about things to anyone and i never talk about my seasonal depression to anyone. but i have a boyfriend now, my soulmate and he knows i go through this and has assured me plenty of times that i can talk to him about this and he’s here and he’s not going anywhere. i’ve shared so much with him. he’s the one person that has made me feel welcomed enough to open up. but i just can’t talk about it i don’t know why. like i can warn him about what comes with it but when it’s one of those nights, i can’t just call him and talk about it. when it’s actually happening, i just can’t. it’s something i’ve dealt with on my own for so long that a lot of times it seems like only i understand it. like if i talk to him or anyone about it i feel like they’d think i’m crazy but for me, i understand it so i feel better keeping it to myself.

this shit is so horrible. every night i just beg God to take my life, to not let me wake up. and good God do i want forever with my man. i want to spend eternity with him but i am suffocating. and life doesn’t feel like it’s for me. it hasn’t since i was like 14. like i genuinely feel like one of those people that life wasn’t meant for.

i don’t know. i just feel like this year is it for me. like i’m here and i feel it that this is it.