Venting (might be lengthy)

There’s so much I need to get off my chest and I’m not one for therapy so maybe venting here will help.

Maybe about a week before finding out I was pregnant I was in the process of trying to commit suicide. I won’t go into details why but it has to do with marital problems. I was in the process of taking my anxiety medication in hopes of overdose I stopped at 6 pills because I could t stop thinking about my kids and how selfish I was being. A week later September 5th I find out I’m pregnant (we were not trying for a baby at all) which is so surprising because we had to try so hard for our first two so the fact that this happened with no effort really blew me. still in a bad place in my marriage I just couldn’t bring myself to believe I was pregnant why now why would god decide I’m ready now with all he knew I had going on he picks now of all times. So I’m going through this whole pregnancy not feeling a thing I don’t feel pregnant at all no matter how hard I try to feel pregnant to try and connect spiritually with the baby I can’t. So with my bad anxiety I’m thinking I killed the baby when I tried to overdose even tho it was not a lethal amount to me it could still have a great affect on the baby you know? Anyways fast forward to when I was supposed to be 10+5 weeks pregnant I have my first appointment, my husbands not here he’s all the way in NTC so I’m by myself. My midwife says it’s not an ultrasound appointment I say okay express my concern about not feeling pregnant or like the baby is okay I didn’t tell her about the whole trying to overdose. So she proceeds to try and find the baby’s heart beat on the Doppler... she can not find the babies heart beat I start breaking down realizing I did this I made the baby feel unwanted and trying to kill myself I killed the baby instead I’m an emotional wreck laying on the bed, she tells me to hold on she’s going to see if she can find someone to do an ultrasound so I’m laying there crying my eyes out praying to god we find something in there. The midwife brings in another lady she gets straight in to it she immediately finds the little baby I start crying more because I’m so unbelievably relieved she finds the heart beat we’re at 176 but measuring at 9+1 which seemed more of an accurate date. But here we are about to be 12 weeks tomorrow even though I’ve seen my baby heard it’s heart beat I still can’t seem to wrap my head around it am I actually pregnant is this really happening I still don’t feel pregnant I don’t want my overthinking to cancel out the positive vibes I won’t get another ultrasound until I’m 21 weeks because well that’s how the military works so now I’ll be worried all the way up until then every day “is the baby okay” “why can’t I feel it” idk guys I’m just very stressed I can’t take my anxiety medication because it’s on the no list and I don’t want to bring this up to my doctor because they’ll lock me up in the hospital. Has anyone ever felt this way please tell me I’m not crazy and I’m not the only one.